As a teenager, I didn’t know my mother without knowing her suffering. As a result, things like the common cold or flu were no longer acceptable reasons to complain in my mind. It was almost as if I couldn’t be sick enough to justify staying home from school, church, or any other obligation. No one told me this, but witnessing my mother’s illness caused me to reevaluate the things I thought were worthy of complaint. As miserable as I am, there is someone more miserable than me was the thought running through my head. Suddenly my pain, heartache, and suffering took a permanent backseat to the pain, heartache, and suffering of the world around me.

Part of this was a healthy awareness that drew me away from a self-absorbed, adolescent state of mind. On the other hand, I was left with an unhealthy ability to ignore myself for the sake of others. Not addressing the suffering inside myself taught me the invaluable lesson that intentional ignorance of self only results in more suffering. My perspective on the existence of suffering and how to address suffering in a healthy way was shaped by my mother’s suffering, the suffering of those who loved her, and my suffering as a result of losing her at a young age.

The present suffering in my life shapes my internal climate. It shapes the stability of the emotional and spiritual platform I operate from as a leader. One of the consequences of having past suffering in my life is that I have lived through what happens when suffering is left unresolved. Unresolved suffering does not remain dormant. It expresses itself in uncontrolled, irrational, and reactionary ways. As a teenager I experienced this through different forms of self-mutilation. As a leader I experience this when, instead of exemplifying a Christian response to a current situation, I react without thinking.

Essentially, anything that is a part of the leader becomes a part of that person’s leadership. Recognizing this encourages me to work toward resolving suffering inside myself because I don’t want to operate from an unstable and unpredictable internal platform.

Future suffering is the anticipated suffering. I’m not addressing future or anticipated suffering because I want to suffer. However, as someone constantly working toward resolving suffering inside myself, I acknowledge that I am naturally preparing for a new season of suffering. When we open ourselves to deal with what has happened and what is happening in our lives, we allow God to prepare us for what will happen.

As a result of my personal approach to suffering, when I recognize that one of my kids is experiencing a form of suffering or when the community is experiencing suffering, I approach the situation much differently than I would otherwise. First, I don’t ignore it, and I don’t let anyone else ignore it. Period.

Second, I am intentional about articulating the importance of accepting suffering in one’s own life and for the members of the community to support one another in accepting their suffering. What I commonly run into with my kids when they are suffering is what I said when I was a suffering teenager: “It’s not that bad. Really, it could be worse. Someone somewhere has it worse than I do.” The truth is, that is an unhealthy and hypocritical state of mind to live in, or to believe is acceptable.

Third, I take the time to discuss issues of death, suicide, mourning, transition, and other situations that bring about feelings that could be marked as suffering. I want them to know that God didn’t ignore it, neither should they, and neither will we.

Taking the time to address suffering as people, as leaders, and as ministry communities can be overwhelming, difficult, and scary. I encourage you to try it anyway. Why? Because it’s godly, healing, and loving. I promise.

Being fired was one of the best things to happen to my career.

In the time it took me to move from a performance-based evaluation to being let go, I plumbed the depths of my calling. It was a painful, frustrating, and rewarding experience. I got back in touch with the reasons I began working with young adults. Never had I intended to work at the church of what’s happening now or to build the best programs or to have the biggest events.

Inside of all this soul searching, I found out something about myself. My passion lies in awakening possibilities in teens and in those who work with them. If I’m not doing that, what’s the point?

As I pondered the many new opportunities from my previous church’s outplacement service, I began to build a new way of doing youth ministry that fed my soul. It wasn’t that programs were bad; they just weren’t necessary if I was doing the things I loved.

Reading through the gospels, I realized that there are few—if any—stories about people being changed from sermons. More the norm was a transformation that grew out of a personal encounter with Jesus in the context of a small group or one-on-one encounter. Why was I spending so much of my time working on a broadcast message when it was the less effective method? Presentations took a back seat to building real relationships.

At the same time, God was working on my perspective of the gospel. A friend put new thoughts in my head when he told me, “What you save them with is what you save them to.” If I bring teens into the church through attractional, bait-and-switch methods, they have little grounding in the actual good news of Christ. My understanding of the gospel moved toward a personal message that confronts specific pains in our lives instead of a ticket through the pearly gates.

As I solidified these paradigm shifts in my life and ministry, a new person emerged. Previously in the interviewing process, I researched churches and figured out what I thought they wanted. Now I shamelessly went in and told them who I was and what I was about. I was absolutely convinced of the kind of work I should be doing. After I was hired, I sought the lead pastor and told him my problems instead of waiting to be called in.

The effort I spent in ministry became more focused and concrete as well. Instead of spending 80% of my time finding a better ice breaker, I developed deep bonds with teenagers. At some point, I stopped preparing and started doing. My time with students became more dynamic instead of a static, one-sided meeting. Surprisingly, more and more of my time went into prayer and personal development. It made me more effective.

All of the suffering I went through changed me. It made me a passionately focused agent of change for youth and their families. As I look back through these times of hardship, I know God used them to sharpen me into a better instrument for his kingdom. Suffering is the best gift I have received from Jesus. It makes me more like him.

Conversely, I can’t tell you how many times I wished I could have traded in my pastoral role for my old corporate job. Yes, that career was unfulfilling. Yes, the longer I did it, the more bored I was. But at least it didn’t hurt so bad. When I was betrayed, I could speak up. When I was wronged, I could relay my issue to a human resources professional. And when I failed, I could deal with being passed over for a promotion or a raise. Sitting in a small group of my peers, I could talk about my job sucking or my boss being a jerk and get empathy from people in similar situations.

But in ministry the stakes are so much more personal. And it’s a very private struggle. The isolation and lack of camaraderie are ultimately what hurt the most. All too often when you reach out with a struggle, you are rebuked or even belittled. At least for me, this meant I carried a lot of burdens. Suffering became part of my ministry.

In truth, this personal suffering was enough. I understood it as part of the calling. But what caused unnecessary suffering was the impact of my vocation on my family. My wife couldn’t just be a wife and new mother. She had to carry the mantle of pastor’s wife and receive unlimited and unwanted advice from the hens of the church. When our kids misbehaved, we felt the judgment from fellow congregants.

Early in my ministry, I allowed the weight of suffering to shape my attitude and self-image. If I were made of Play-Doh, my body would have been flattened. But, as I’ve gotten stronger, more used to the weight and its impact, I’ve learned that there is a healthy suffering that just comes with being a follower of Christ, which I can deal with.

But, there is also abuse that comes my way that I no longer permit to have the impact it once did. I’ve become like a junkyard dog in protecting my family and the families of my ministry friends. That’s the weight of ministry I no longer allow to shape them.

Some friendship seeds were planted but ended when people left to start church plants or moved away for new jobs. Others sprouted up quickly but were later revealed to be shallow and hurtful, destroyed by gossip and insecurity. Still others were choked out by the frantic busyness of life. Between jobs, kids, responsibilities, and ministry, friendships were relegated to the background of life.

Slowly but surely, a few friendships took root, and the roots sank deep. Some of these were fellow youth ministers at other churches. Some were fellow pastors in my own church community. Some of the deepest were the very people I was called to lead and disciple—my volunteer team and interns. It surprised me to find that my best friends at my church were those I served alongside.

With relationship comes risk, however, and there are a few that stand out to me:

A deeper level of hurt. The deeper you go in a relationship, the deeper you can wound and be wounded. When we initially arrived at our church, another couple seemed excited to be friends with us, quickly inviting us into the deep end of the friendship pool. We eventually learned that the motives behind this friendship were impure, and what appeared like the seed of friendship sprouted a root of bitterness. The couple eventually left the youth ministry. It wasn’t just a lost friendship; it was a lost ministry partnership, and students experienced the painful ripple effects.

A potential lack of respect. When you’re buddies with the team you’re leading, one’s sense of authority can quickly dissipate. A friend of mine recently had to confront his best friends and roommates about their attitudes as volunteers in his ministry. They were operating with a sense of entitlement, showing up late to meetings or not respecting some of the boundaries because he was viewed as their friend first and their leader second.

A closed community. I’ve seen plenty of volunteer teams who really like hanging out. They love each other so much so that they forget to spend time with the teens they’re called to disciple. The mingling before a worship gathering finds itself filled with cliques, only these are now divided between student and staff. Others may interpret “we’re close” as “we’re closed.” Without a sense of awareness, a team can become self-involved.

The risks in these friendships are weighty, but so are the rewards.

A shared mission. C.S. Lewis writes in The Four Loves that friendship stems from a common interest or insight, that friends must journey together toward something for their friendship to blossom. There is a clear common interest between pastors and volunteers: We all want to see young people grow closer to Jesus. That mission binds us together, gives us something to spark passionate conversations, and allows us to support and encourage one another in our endeavors.

A team camaraderie. When your team genuinely loves each other, it makes ministry fun; really fun. Some of my favorite moments in recent memory are the times I spent laughing and sharing life with members of my ministry team. Like any family, we have our dysfunction and quirks, yet we transcend these as we emphasize one another’s gifts and strengths. The love we share spills into our students, who see our deep friendships and strive for a similar sense of community with those around them.

An expression of the love of Christ. Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes this about Christ in The Cost of Discipleship: “He is the Mediator, not only between God and man, but between man and man, between man and reality... Between father and son, husband and wife, the individual and the nation, stands Christ the Mediator, whether they are able to recognize him or not. We cannot establish direct contact outside ourselves except through him, through his word, and through our following of him. To think otherwise is to deceive ourselves.”

If Jesus is our mediator, what better place to find true friendship than with those who are also pursuing him? He is the source of all healthy relationship, and thus our partners in the gospel should become our dearest of friends.

Joel graduated from Multnomah University with a B.S. in Bible & theology and youth ministry. He is currently the high school pastor at Red Mountain Community Church in Mesa, Arizona. He and his wife, Katie, live in Gilbert, Arizona, with their two children, Copeland and Eloise. He blogs at http://joelmayward.blogspot.com/.

A good friend of mine who was a youth pastor at his church for more than four years was seriously burned by one of his closest friends who was a member of the youth staff. Because of their close friendship, the lines that separated youth pastor from volunteer started to become blurry. This volunteer started to make major decisions without consulting the youth pastor, which ultimately resulted in great division among the students. It wasn’t long before the volunteer left the church, along with about twenty of their students, and started attending another church up the road. My friend told me that their close friendship made confronting his volunteer that much more difficult and awkward.

Another caution I would offer to the youth pastor is in the area of accountability. I am not saying anything new when I say that ministers need to have relationships in their lives where they can be brutally honest and open with a trusted friend. They need to have relationships where they don’t have to be on and are able to hang out with people who are not parishioners in their church. My heart aches for pastors who do not have one or two relationships in their lives where they don’t have to worry about being judged or thrown out of their congregations because they shared something they thought or felt.

It becomes muddy and messy when youth pastors confide all their thoughts and feelings with someone within the church or a member of the youth staff. Even though youth pastors may feel as though they trust someone completely, when you share intimate details of your life with someone in the church, you are giving that person potential ammo to use against you at a later time. There have been times I thought I was sharing something in confidence, only to find my vulnerability used against me later. I know that sounds overly cautious, but pastors need to watch their own backs. I’m sure you have your own or have heard stories.

Finally, the last word of caution I would offer regards the gender issue. The work of ministry naturally causes people to draw closer to one another. We must be aware of how close we allow ourselves to get with members of the opposite sex. It only takes a few years in ministry to hear stories of pastors or youth pastors who do not create healthy and safe boundaries with the opposite sex and end up falling into sin.

So, while there is not a black or white answer to the question, any and all youth pastors must use some level of caution and wisdom when it comes to initiating and sustaining friendships with their volunteer youth staff.

Jason is an associate pastor in Independence, Missouri, where he primarily works with youth and young adults. He thoroughly enjoys speaking and teaching God's Word and has done so at a handful of camps and retreats over the years. Jason always keeps his disc golf discs in the trunk of his car just in case the opportunity to play should suddenly arise. He occasionally jots down some of his thoughts at www.JayMcPherson.blogspot.com. Jason is married to Rachel, and they are expecting their first child in June 2012.

Part of this is for the simple reason of needing to keep your sanity. Ministry is an amazing privilege, and it can be life giving and a joy to be able to walk alongside people on their spiritual journeys. But it can also be hard. And draining. And frustrating. And there will be days when you hate it. On those days, you need friends and people outside your faith community with whom you can relax, be yourself, vent, and not worry about the repercussions. If you don't have those people in your life, it's going to drive you crazy, and you'll probably internalize a lot of stress, frustration, and anger, and that's not healthy or sustainable.

It's also healthy to have plenty of friends and acquaintances who aren't connected to your faith community or to any faith community. These are the people who will keep you honest, who will help give you a reality check every once in a while and provide much-needed perspectives that you wouldn't get from those in your churches and ministries.

There can be some real rewards of having close friends work as volunteers of your ministries. For one, it's a gift for our youth today when you can model what authentic Christian friendships and relationships look like. Serving in ministry with your close friends is one way to do that.

It's also an added gift to enjoy the people you're serving with; being in ministry with people who know you well can make it more fun and can help you get through those times when ministry gets hard.

But there are risks in having those close friends work with you in ministry. Your friends aren't perfect people (nor should you expect them to be!), and sometimes they'll do things that you disagree with. They'll be late to youth group, forget to show up, plan a game that isn't the smartest, or share things with students that may be inappropriate or that don't fit with where you'd like to see the ministry be theologically.

Having to discuss those types of things with volunteers is never easy; you don't want to offend, and you certainly don't want to lose them as volunteers. But it's even harder when the conversation has to happen with your best friend. I think there is the potential to want to let things slide or not have the important conversations that need to be had when these situations arise.

On the other hand, hopefully you have the type of relationships with your friends where you can be frank and to the point, and they'll totally get where you're coming from. That'd be great. But the reality is that those types of conversations have the potential to be pretty awkward and can hurt friendships. And when you're doing the tough work of ministry, you need all the friends and support you can get.

Being able to minister with your friends can be a real blessing, both to you and to the students in your ministry. But I encourage you to choose wisely which of your friends you ask to help out; depending on the strength and personality of your relationship, it could be a real blessing or a real frustration to your ministry.

Throughout the gospels, Jesus modeled an intentionally prayerful life. As a leader, I try to follow this path because I have found out that when I stray from this, not only do I begin to lose my footing, I begin to lose focus of who God is. Prayer is times spent with God, worshiping, praising, confessing, and petitioning.

As I was taught by my fathers and mothers in the faith who blazed a trail before me, I seek to pray regularly for myself, my family, my mentors, my fellow leaders and members of the ministry, families in our community, fellow disciples, the lost, and those in influential positions. My core desire is to become more like Jesus and continue to build on the movement he initiated thousands of years ago.

I often pray that God will send more supportive people into the lives of those in our ministry. I pray that God will continue to create a loving community of disciples who embrace newcomers and help guide me on how to better care for those in our ministry. I seek to pray for this ministry with others. I have a group of people I rely on for support and insight, a prayer team made up of those outside of the ministry context who resonate with what we are trying to accomplish.

My prayer life overflows into the ministry, since during all of our meetings there are opportunities to share how God has been directing each person. I discuss the importance of prayer often, touching on issues ranging from the challenges of finding time to being open to what God is saying. The meetings also provide an opportunity for me to pray for individuals, as well as be prayed for. I write down every prayer request that is stated during each meeting, which I seek to go over each night as I close out the day.

On another level, fasting is also a large part of how I pray for the ministry. More specifically, the first weekend of each January and July are set apart for prayer and fasting for direction for the ministry. This has proven to be extremely fruitful and a source of encouragement, especially when times get tough.

I hope this will encourage you wherever you are. Early in my life as a disciple, I sensed that the discipline to be intentional about prayer was one thing, but the ability to come to God, open to whatever took place during that time, was quite another. On my journey, I constantly have to challenge myself to truly listen to God and have faith that he will be watching over those he brings into my path.

My prayer is that my fellow youth leaders and I would be leaders and people who are deeply rooted in Christ. The simple truth is that if we expect to effectively and faithfully lead and guide our students, we need to be people who continually secure our roots in Christ. We secure this foundation through a continual coming before Christ and asking that our hearts, minds, and lives be guided and directed by the Spirit. My guess is that every single student leader or pastor out there (who is honest) can share about times they have tried to minister to students when they themselves have neglected their own relationship with Christ and how frustrating and difficult that can be.

As youth leaders, we pray for our students’ families. I am a firm believer that parents are the number one influencers and shapers of students’ faith. Unfortunately, as I reflect on my local church, most of our students come from homes that are familiar with brokenness (divorce, abuse, neglect, etc.). Many of our students have also been raised in homes that lack any sort of Christian education or Christlike examples. Therefore, I encourage my youth staff to pray regularly for their students and their families.

We strive to pray for our students by name. Just this past week, our student ministry had the opportunity to get away from Kansas City and head out to the thriving metropolis of Pomona, Kansas (population 940), to go on a retreat. While I thoroughly enjoyed the speaker, the constantly lit fireplace, and the abnormally warm winter weather, the highlight of the retreat for me was a prayer time we had together Saturday night. After our small group time was wrapping up, I asked the students if they would allow me to pray for them by name. Even though we make it a discipline to pray for the students corporately, there is something powerful and special about praying for students by name, especially when they hear and participate in the prayer.

When we pray for our students by name, we are able to recall and recount their individual and unique stories and pray accordingly. As I began praying for Malachi, here is a student who hasn’t even turned thirteen yet. He has two solid parents who are deeply committed to raising him in the faith. My prayer for Malachi is that, as he navigates the seventh grade and begins his first year of ice hockey, he would seek to put Christ at the forefront of his life and strive to love others as Christ calls him to do. When he is faced with the challenge to join in the locker room talk, I pray that God would help him to speak words of love.

Sitting next to Malachi was Daniel. Daniel is almost eighteen and has had no more than a half dozen conversations with his father in his lifetime. Daniel’s life has been marked by instability and constant abandonment. He somehow ended up coming to the youth group when his sister attended a VBS at our church last summer. When I pray for Daniel, I pray that he would seek to know, love, and serve Christ. I also pray that Daniel knows he has a heavenly Father who loves him and is proud to call him son. Lastly, I pray that God would remind him that he is a heavenly Father who promises never to leave or forsake his children.

As youth leaders and pastors, it is important that we adopt the discipline and practice of prayer for ourselves, our youth staff, and our students. May we all strive to be leaders and ministers who make prayer the foundation of our ministries.

Jason is an associate pastor in Independence, Missouri, where he primarily works with youth and young adults. He thoroughly enjoys speaking and teaching God's Word and has done so at a handful of camps and retreats over the years. Jason always keeps his disc golf discs in the trunk of his car just in case the opportunity to play should suddenly arise. He occasionally jots down some of his thoughts at www.JayMcPherson.blogspot.com. Jason is married to Rachel, and they are expecting their first child in June 2012.

Inside this discipline, there are times for me to pray prayers of praise, proclamation, and petition. It is here that I pray for the people of the ministry I serve. These prayers, however, are never on behalf of the ministry itself (organization, programs, structure, budgets, etc.); they are only on behalf of the people in the scope of the ministry.

I suppose someone could say this question implies people rather than programs. However, too often I have heard prayers spoken that have more to do with the success of the person praying than with hope for and healing of people within the ministry.

Just last week I heard this prayer from a youth pastor: “…and God, help this ministry to grow in numbers so that the world may see our love for them.” What? The numerical growth of your ministry is directly related to how the world sees your love for them? Really? I think just maybe the “world” may know how much we love them by our faithfulness to serving them.

Too many people concern themselves with prayers that are, in the end, for them. So when a question like, How do you pray for your ministry? arises, it makes me want to strongly differentiate between prayers we pray for ourselves and prayers we pray for the people around us.

Most often, I find myself moved the most by praying prayers of confession as it relates to the people I serve. Here is an example of one of those prayers:

Heavenly Father, look upon our community of faith, which is the church of your Son, Jesus. Help us to proclaim his love by loving all our fellow creatures without exception. Under the kingdom reign of God, keep us faithful to Jesus’s mission. Forgive us for not always choosing to preach the gospel to the poor, blind, oppressed and brokenhearted. Amen.

Telling God the truth about my unfaithfulness in taking gospel action awakens one of the greatest gifts of Christian spirituality: forgiveness. It is within this forgiveness that I experience God’s mercy. It is God’s mercy that inspires me want to be more generous with others.

Do I pray for my ministry? No. Do I pray for those whom the ministry in which I serve touches? Yes. Does the question How do you pray for your ministry? really imply the people within? Perhaps. But perhaps we still could progress in our prayer practices with a strong distinction made between prayers we pray for ourselves and prayers we pray for the sake of others.

I wait a minute for all that to sink in, and then I continue, “What I mean by ‘I don’t care’ is that none of those things are gonna get you kicked out of this youth group, nor will they stop me or God from loving you, but… Not having a good, healthy, and righteous perspective on dating, sex, and sexuality could cause you to do that to yourself. My goal isn’t to lower the value of sex or sexuality so that you won’t do it. My goal is to raise the value you have for it and for yourself as a divinely created being so that maybe you won’t waste or misuse it like so many people do every day.”

From there we launch into a seven-week interactive series with topics including Levels of Intimacy, Progression of Interaction, Toxic Tendencies, Disposable Relationships, Love vs. Infatuation, and so on. At this psychological & spiritual level of discussion and with the right pacing, the truth of the matter is that there is no difference between how you teach middle schoolers and high schoolers. It’s when we move into group dialogue that I separate them by age because it allows middle schoolers to discuss where they are without pretending to know things they don’t, and it allows high schoolers the opportunity to discuss things without pretending notto know things they actually do. Basing our series on being real means we address what’s real for both groups, but we don’t force either group to function outside of what’s real for their seasons of life.

Throughout the years, I’ve led many youth group discussions on sex and dating. In the beginning, I took the typical just-don’t-do-it approach to promoting abstinence. It wasn’t until I was a touring facilitator with an organization called SHARE that I realized there was a different way to discuss these subjects with kids that really puts it in proper perspective.

See, the church has a way of making sex and sexuality a huge, monumental deal—almost more than the world does. We base kids’ salvation on it. They can be liars, cheaters, truants, unsaved, and though we say that stuff is bad, it’s really okay as long as they aren’t having sex. The truth of the matter is, sexuality is just a part of our human existence. When we discuss sex and sexuality in light of who we are as whole people, then kids can grapple with it from a healthy, holy, and manageable perspective. When we make it this enormous, all-encompassing thing, kids start to think that with one false move, all is lost and they’re going down like the Titanic with no hope of rescue.

Here’s an example of teaching it in perspective. One week of our series was titled The Want to be Wanted, in which we discussed from a biblical and psychological perspective every human’s innate desire to belong to someone. And of course, somewhere in that conversation comes the discussion about sex being the ultimate expression of belonging. In light of how normal being wanted is, it makes sense that we chase after it, but then it also makes sense how important it is not to romanticize it loosely.

Unfortunately, the space I have here won’t allow me to go further into this, but I hope you can see how this approach helps kids learn how wrongly their thoughts have been socialized by media and shifting cultural norms. But more importantly, it helps them also see all that is already right, normal, and common to every human walking the face of the earth. The sooner you approach these general ideas, the better (within reason) because then kids are empowered to manage their own development as opposed to you or their parents chasing them around, trying to prevent unfortunate consequences of youthful curiosity or naïveté.

I’ve had so many young people say to me, “I wish I knew that about myself in the seventh grade. It would’ve given me the power and security to accept some things and the confidence to reject other things as I got older.”

No kid has ever come to me and said, “I wish more church people just told me not to have sex.”

One of my favorite activities to engage adults in, to inform their sharing messages of dating and sexuality, is to get them to think back to their own early dating years. They are asked to think of an early, positive experience of touch in a dating experience—holding hands, a kiss, a slow dance, etc. We carefully dissect the experiences into their own mental photographic images of those moments, then how they would describe the facts of those moments, followed by their own emotions at the time.

That activity is immediately followed by asking parents and adults to write their own newspaper headlines for an article about dating and sexuality. Often, responses include Don’t Do It!, True Love Waits, and Protect Yourself or Protect Your Heart.

It is always fascinating to watch the room engage in a significant mood change. The smiles, laughter, and joy of reminiscing about long-ago loves quickly transforms into anxiety and fear about their young people having similar experiences.

Our challenge as the church, as adults and parents, is to confront young people’s expectations that we will default to NO regarding this topic. We need to surprise them by affirming that yes, we actually think love, dating, and sex are all pretty great…within moderation intended to honor the value and worth of each person involved.

Middle school years are challenging for parents. The young people in their lives are transforming before their very eyes from the sweet, innocent things they happily used to be. In the middle school years, we should be resourcing parents regarding:

How to have “the talk.” Most likely, parents have already checked this one off on their parenting task lists. We need to encourage them to pursue ongoing conversations about sexuality, especially related to basic theological concepts, like what it means to be “created in the image and likeness of God.” Recognize that your efforts in assisting parents in their formational role will also constitute formation for many of the adults as well.

How to discuss and monitor relationships/friendships. Offer parents tips and cues to engage their young people in conversations.

How to debrief sexual content from movies, television, and music. Again, assist parents in conducting conversations related to these areas rather than lectures.

In the high school years, young people are moving away from a theoretical understanding of dating and sexuality and getting closer to having more practical needs. Therefore, we should be resourcing parents in:

Being able to assist young people in determining appropriate boundaries for their young people. If parents find themselves being able even just to talk with one another, they can usually assist one another in determining a community standard about curfews and expectations regarding appropriate ages to group date, car date, etc. Youth ministers can be helpful in placing their conversations in the context of a covenant agreement that includes both discussion and prayer.

Being able to be an effective listener. Ask their adolescents to work toward determining what constitutes an appropriate relationship.

Modeling appropriate and respectful behaviors. Young people learn from the attitudes of their fathers, mothers, and other key adults regarding what is right and acceptable in relationships with the opposite sex. We need to watch ourselves because our young people are certainly watching us and the values we communicate with our actions and words.

For me as a senior in high school, my parents gave me a very special gift and a lesson. They took me and my steady girlfriend at the time on a double date. In a delightful and charming evening, I learned significant lessons in respect and chivalry as well as maintaining good conversation with the opposite sex. Instead of the images of adult relationships from television and movies influencing me in my formative years, I was blessed to have the memory of a special night to remind me of how dating adults can and should relate to one another.

It’s not that I’ve avoided the subject with high schoolers. I just don’t have many teaching opportunities with high schoolers (aside from speaking to them at large events, where sex and dating are never the topic). That’s because I have been hanging out in middle school ministry for thirty years.

But that disparity has given me plenty of opportunity to consider this particular Slant 33 question, especially since most advice and resources on sexuality in the youth ministry world are targeted to high schoolers. So I’ve spent a youth ministry lifetime modifying and filtering, adjusting and considering my audience.

Let’s start with what’s the same:

Sex (and dating) is a subject that cannot and should not be avoided. No matter how comfortable you are or aren’t, it’s pure irresponsibility as a youth worker to avoid this subject.

Wise and self-monitoring honesty is the best approach. Honesty is critical on this subject with so much misinformation, a subject that few adults are willing to be honest about with teenagers. But our honesty has to be tempered with wisdom (of what not to say) and self-monitoring.

Thanks to the dual, interconnected forces of the internet and a sex-obsessed culture, there’s not as much difference in how we should address this subject with middle schoolers as there was, say, twenty years ago. The primary differences could be summarized in two generalities:

Middle schoolers have less experience and less knowledge when it comes to sex. Even dating, to most middle schoolers, is a very different practice—for those who would say they have dated—than it is for their older brothers and sisters. As is true of so many factors in the teenage years, experience and understanding of sex and sexuality are a sliding scale (same with abstract thinking, worldview, independence, and a host of other issues). But, in general, most middle schoolers need conversations about what sex will be more than they need conversations about what it already is.

Middle schoolers are all over the board in their own sexual development. Sure, you could accurately say this about high schoolers too. But the plain fact is that 99% of high schoolers are post pubescent. When the subject of wet dreams comes up in my sixth-grade guys’ group, the majority of guys only have an idea (usually wrong, like “it’s when you pee in your sleep!”), and not actual experience. Of course, that personal experience, even for those eighth graders who have no interpersonal sexual experience, shifts dramatically as their sexuality awakens.

When I, as a middle school youth worker, combine the truths of the first two similarities with the second two differences, I’m left with this: When talking about sex with young teens, I am compelled by my calling to dive into—not avoid—honest conversations and teaching times but to do so with extreme sensitivity to age-appropriate developmental and experiential realities.

The best advice I ever received on the topic of teaching about sex and dating with teenagers came from Jim Hancock, co-author (with Kara Powell) of the exceptional youth ministry resource Good Sex 2.0. Jim says that, in his observation, youth workers often err in their approach to teaching about sex to teenagers in one of two extremes. Either they talk about sex as if it’s everything, or they talk about sex as if it’s nothing.

Sex is a big deal! It’s definitely not nothing. But it’s not everything. I’m committed—as awkward and uncomfortable as it might be at times—to teaching (and having conversations) in that tension.

While there are many spontaneous moments in youth ministry, much of the design of our program is based on a detailed outline of what we’ve deemed important for each of our kids to get before they graduate out of the youth group. I learned a long time ago that knowing why you do something is as important as, if not more important than, what it is you actually do. Begin with the mission and let it inform the program. Programming not rooted in mission is like chaperoning recess. There might be benefits to it, but it’s really just a break from the regular class, and heaven forbid we let the place our kids learn how to navigate life be anywhere other than one that teaches kingdom principles.

Of course, to carry out any mission there need to be regular, all-community events like weekly Bible studies, camps, mission trips, informal and formal outings and conferences, but I’ve learned that it is the smaller, less magnified activities that allow the real-life application to happen. Things like, we require the youth to keep the youth room clean, give offerings to help fund special projects, cook their own contributions to the missions dinners, find scriptures in the Bible rather than depending on the screen projections, practice conflict resolution, and discuss current events in light of scripture. Why? 1. Because they can. 2. Because we have to provide them with ample opportunities to do and become what they are being taught.

Throughout the years, I’ve had run-ins with young adults who were part of the ministry, and they enthusiastically recall episodes and occasions when we did this or that. Some of the remembrances are around Bible study and high spiritual moments, but just as many are not. Inevitably, these funny and reflective moments turn the corner, and former students standing before me start to tell how it was in one of those moments that they truly discovered something that impacted and shaped their faith foundation. Something organic and in the moment that made all the difference despite all the programs set in place to accomplish that same resolve. Little did they know that things like “develop faith in community” and “create opportunities for life application” are written in the program’s mission.

As a young woman in ministry, I asked veteran youth pastors if I could see their ministry outlines. For whatever reason, many treated it like it was some highly guarded secret. Maybe it is, but I don’t mind sharing. Here’s the Roadside short outline.
Purpose/Mission: To nurture and release righteous, respectable, and responsible citizens of the kingdom into the world.
Projects & Programs: Weekly group, campus outreach, special events, service and mission works, cross-generational mentoring.
Points of Focus: Salvation, discipleship, worship, service, and community.
Plan: Consistent and transformingly good programs, activities, relationships, and teaching.
If you have more questions, I’d love to discuss it with you.

3) Our programming is about people. Programs are only as effective as they are devoted to the people they involve. Programs are merely portals into the hearts of students. Sunday school, small group, retreats, special events, etc., are about nothing more than connecting with people and guiding them into spiritual formation for the sake of the world.

So, to our question, how do mission statements and programs inform each other? First, your mission is the purpose for your programming and the kind of programing you shepherd. Therefore, the mission informs why you would program anything in the first place.

Second, your mission is what keeps your programs from drifting off into irrelevance and insignificance. It keeps you on track and informs your programs with measurable tools.

Third, your mission provides your team, whether volunteer or paid, with a reason to engage through the hard and challenging times of working with teens. When volunteers ask, “Why am I doing this” or, “Am I even making a difference?” or, “Why do I do this to myself?” they’ll have a reason that brings them back to sanity and courage.

Fourth, mission statements allow you to recruit fellow ministers to a purpose or vision rather than a glaring hole or gap in your ministry. Many youth workers recruit by making people feel guilty for not helping to meet the needs of the church. This does not last. Mission informs vision, and vision informs programming.

Finally, mission statements—to be frank—keep your boss off your back. Seriously, committing to a shared mission with your supervisor provides an opportunity for you and your team of ministers to keep your conversations on the things that really matter—people. Also, mission informs the budget for your programs, which can also be a reason for conflict at times, as I am sure you are already well aware of.

Mission statements are critical but only if they emerge out of God’s mission. God’s mission, to say it one way, is to make the world whole again. God invites us into God’s mission as agents of God’s love and restoration. As youth workers, one way we do this is through meaningful and relevant programs that are concerned with people. Programs embedded with God’s mission give us a reason to gather and guide students into spiritual formation for the sake of the world.

That church was similar to many out there: We had a mission statement and a vision statement, and while they both looked great on paper, that was about it. If you asked any of our church members, they probably wouldn't have been able to tell you much about the content of either statements, and our ministries were not necessarily connected to them.

Then we went through another process to come up with a core values statement. Not surprisingly, some folks were a bit skeptical of all the time and effort going into the process because they assumed we would end up with another well-crafted statement that didn't have any impact on our ministries. However, we kept trusting the process, and after a few months, came up with our core values statement: Centered in Jesus Christ, we grow in faith, celebrate community, and serve others with love. Pretty simple. Pretty straightforward. And to be honest, it wasn't a lot different from one of the other statements we already had. But this time, almost all the congregation had been involved, and there was a great sense of ownership.

Then we decided to make it count, to really live into the values. We publicized it extensively. We repeated it over and over and over again. We incorporated it into our sermons. We also met with everyone who led the various groups and ministries of our church and decided that, from this point forward, any new events, any big projects that seemed like great ideas, would have to be filtered through the core values statement. If the idea didn't help us grow in faith, celebrate community, or serve others with love, it didn't make the cut.

And the difference with this approach was that every ministry began to own these core values. The youth ministry didn't need to come up with its own mission statement; we now had one because we were part of the greater church. This meant that we always found ways to incorporate the core values statement into our program and into the activities we did. When we met together prior to going on a mission trip, we were able to not only talk about how important it is to serve others but to connect the trip to all the specific elements of our statement.

This also helped communicate that what we were doing on mission trips wasn't just part of our youth ministry but was really a part of the ministry of the greater church. This aspect was really important to me because, after the youth graduate from our program, they know they can be a part of a faith community because they have that connection. Part of the problem of so many youth ministries is that they tend to be disconnected from the larger church, and the youth don't exactly know where to go after graduating from high school.

There are many ways that your programming can be directly connected to your mission statement, and it's important that the connection is made. It also makes you think a lot harder about the different events and activities that might get added to your program and helps give you a framework for deciding what's important, what's worth investing in, and what will contribute most to the spiritual formation of your youth.