What's the difference between teaching middle schoolers and high schoolers about dating and sexuality?

I wait a minute for all that to sink in, and then I continue, “What I mean by ‘I don’t care’ is that none of those things are gonna get you kicked out of this youth group, nor will they stop me or God from loving you, but… Not having a good, healthy, and righteous perspective on dating, sex, and sexuality could cause you to do that to yourself. My goal isn’t to lower the value of sex or sexuality so that you won’t do it. My goal is to raise the value you have for it and for yourself as a divinely created being so that maybe you won’t waste or misuse it like so many people do every day.”

From there we launch into a seven-week interactive series with topics including Levels of Intimacy, Progression of Interaction, Toxic Tendencies, Disposable Relationships, Love vs. Infatuation, and so on. At this psychological & spiritual level of discussion and with the right pacing, the truth of the matter is that there is no difference between how you teach middle schoolers and high schoolers. It’s when we move into group dialogue that I separate them by age because it allows middle schoolers to discuss where they are without pretending to know things they don’t, and it allows high schoolers the opportunity to discuss things without pretending notto know things they actually do. Basing our series on being real means we address what’s real for both groups, but we don’t force either group to function outside of what’s real for their seasons of life.

Throughout the years, I’ve led many youth group discussions on sex and dating. In the beginning, I took the typical just-don’t-do-it approach to promoting abstinence. It wasn’t until I was a touring facilitator with an organization called SHARE that I realized there was a different way to discuss these subjects with kids that really puts it in proper perspective.

See, the church has a way of making sex and sexuality a huge, monumental deal—almost more than the world does. We base kids’ salvation on it. They can be liars, cheaters, truants, unsaved, and though we say that stuff is bad, it’s really okay as long as they aren’t having sex. The truth of the matter is, sexuality is just a part of our human existence. When we discuss sex and sexuality in light of who we are as whole people, then kids can grapple with it from a healthy, holy, and manageable perspective. When we make it this enormous, all-encompassing thing, kids start to think that with one false move, all is lost and they’re going down like the Titanic with no hope of rescue.

Here’s an example of teaching it in perspective. One week of our series was titled The Want to be Wanted, in which we discussed from a biblical and psychological perspective every human’s innate desire to belong to someone. And of course, somewhere in that conversation comes the discussion about sex being the ultimate expression of belonging. In light of how normal being wanted is, it makes sense that we chase after it, but then it also makes sense how important it is not to romanticize it loosely.

Unfortunately, the space I have here won’t allow me to go further into this, but I hope you can see how this approach helps kids learn how wrongly their thoughts have been socialized by media and shifting cultural norms. But more importantly, it helps them also see all that is already right, normal, and common to every human walking the face of the earth. The sooner you approach these general ideas, the better (within reason) because then kids are empowered to manage their own development as opposed to you or their parents chasing them around, trying to prevent unfortunate consequences of youthful curiosity or naïveté.

I’ve had so many young people say to me, “I wish I knew that about myself in the seventh grade. It would’ve given me the power and security to accept some things and the confidence to reject other things as I got older.”

No kid has ever come to me and said, “I wish more church people just told me not to have sex.”

One of my favorite activities to engage adults in, to inform their sharing messages of dating and sexuality, is to get them to think back to their own early dating years. They are asked to think of an early, positive experience of touch in a dating experience—holding hands, a kiss, a slow dance, etc. We carefully dissect the experiences into their own mental photographic images of those moments, then how they would describe the facts of those moments, followed by their own emotions at the time.

That activity is immediately followed by asking parents and adults to write their own newspaper headlines for an article about dating and sexuality. Often, responses include Don’t Do It!, True Love Waits, and Protect Yourself or Protect Your Heart.

It is always fascinating to watch the room engage in a significant mood change. The smiles, laughter, and joy of reminiscing about long-ago loves quickly transforms into anxiety and fear about their young people having similar experiences.

Our challenge as the church, as adults and parents, is to confront young people’s expectations that we will default to NO regarding this topic. We need to surprise them by affirming that yes, we actually think love, dating, and sex are all pretty great…within moderation intended to honor the value and worth of each person involved.

Middle school years are challenging for parents. The young people in their lives are transforming before their very eyes from the sweet, innocent things they happily used to be. In the middle school years, we should be resourcing parents regarding:

How to have “the talk.” Most likely, parents have already checked this one off on their parenting task lists. We need to encourage them to pursue ongoing conversations about sexuality, especially related to basic theological concepts, like what it means to be “created in the image and likeness of God.” Recognize that your efforts in assisting parents in their formational role will also constitute formation for many of the adults as well.

How to discuss and monitor relationships/friendships. Offer parents tips and cues to engage their young people in conversations.

How to debrief sexual content from movies, television, and music. Again, assist parents in conducting conversations related to these areas rather than lectures.

In the high school years, young people are moving away from a theoretical understanding of dating and sexuality and getting closer to having more practical needs. Therefore, we should be resourcing parents in:

Being able to assist young people in determining appropriate boundaries for their young people. If parents find themselves being able even just to talk with one another, they can usually assist one another in determining a community standard about curfews and expectations regarding appropriate ages to group date, car date, etc. Youth ministers can be helpful in placing their conversations in the context of a covenant agreement that includes both discussion and prayer.

Being able to be an effective listener. Ask their adolescents to work toward determining what constitutes an appropriate relationship.

Modeling appropriate and respectful behaviors. Young people learn from the attitudes of their fathers, mothers, and other key adults regarding what is right and acceptable in relationships with the opposite sex. We need to watch ourselves because our young people are certainly watching us and the values we communicate with our actions and words.

For me as a senior in high school, my parents gave me a very special gift and a lesson. They took me and my steady girlfriend at the time on a double date. In a delightful and charming evening, I learned significant lessons in respect and chivalry as well as maintaining good conversation with the opposite sex. Instead of the images of adult relationships from television and movies influencing me in my formative years, I was blessed to have the memory of a special night to remind me of how dating adults can and should relate to one another.

It’s not that I’ve avoided the subject with high schoolers. I just don’t have many teaching opportunities with high schoolers (aside from speaking to them at large events, where sex and dating are never the topic). That’s because I have been hanging out in middle school ministry for thirty years.

But that disparity has given me plenty of opportunity to consider this particular Slant 33 question, especially since most advice and resources on sexuality in the youth ministry world are targeted to high schoolers. So I’ve spent a youth ministry lifetime modifying and filtering, adjusting and considering my audience.

Let’s start with what’s the same:

Sex (and dating) is a subject that cannot and should not be avoided. No matter how comfortable you are or aren’t, it’s pure irresponsibility as a youth worker to avoid this subject.

Wise and self-monitoring honesty is the best approach. Honesty is critical on this subject with so much misinformation, a subject that few adults are willing to be honest about with teenagers. But our honesty has to be tempered with wisdom (of what not to say) and self-monitoring.

Thanks to the dual, interconnected forces of the internet and a sex-obsessed culture, there’s not as much difference in how we should address this subject with middle schoolers as there was, say, twenty years ago. The primary differences could be summarized in two generalities:

Middle schoolers have less experience and less knowledge when it comes to sex. Even dating, to most middle schoolers, is a very different practice—for those who would say they have dated—than it is for their older brothers and sisters. As is true of so many factors in the teenage years, experience and understanding of sex and sexuality are a sliding scale (same with abstract thinking, worldview, independence, and a host of other issues). But, in general, most middle schoolers need conversations about what sex will be more than they need conversations about what it already is.

Middle schoolers are all over the board in their own sexual development. Sure, you could accurately say this about high schoolers too. But the plain fact is that 99% of high schoolers are post pubescent. When the subject of wet dreams comes up in my sixth-grade guys’ group, the majority of guys only have an idea (usually wrong, like “it’s when you pee in your sleep!”), and not actual experience. Of course, that personal experience, even for those eighth graders who have no interpersonal sexual experience, shifts dramatically as their sexuality awakens.

When I, as a middle school youth worker, combine the truths of the first two similarities with the second two differences, I’m left with this: When talking about sex with young teens, I am compelled by my calling to dive into—not avoid—honest conversations and teaching times but to do so with extreme sensitivity to age-appropriate developmental and experiential realities.

The best advice I ever received on the topic of teaching about sex and dating with teenagers came from Jim Hancock, co-author (with Kara Powell) of the exceptional youth ministry resource Good Sex 2.0. Jim says that, in his observation, youth workers often err in their approach to teaching about sex to teenagers in one of two extremes. Either they talk about sex as if it’s everything, or they talk about sex as if it’s nothing.

Sex is a big deal! It’s definitely not nothing. But it’s not everything. I’m committed—as awkward and uncomfortable as it might be at times—to teaching (and having conversations) in that tension.