How do you honor your marriage while in youth ministry? In what practical ways do you prioritize your marriage over ministry?

We could probably make a long list of reasons for this tension, discussing the demands of the church, the difficulty of separating work and home life when your calling as a pastor is a 24/7 reality, the needs of people, etc. But, regardless of the reason, if you want to stay in ministry and stay married to your spouse, then my observation and experience tell me it will require intentionality.

Here are five things we’ve tried to do as a married couple that I think have been strategically helpful. Sometimes we’re better at these than others.

Remember, God called me to marriage. Bear with me here. This one is more philosophical than practical at first. The idea that God called me to be a pastor is both true and needed to keep my butt in my pastoral seat. Honestly, without a call, I would have left a long time ago. But it is equally true that God has called me to be married. Maybe that call is what keeps my butt there too in the tough times. The two callings are inseparable. So it is logistically impossible for me to say “God has called me to” anymore. It is always, “God is calling us.” I don’t mean that your spouse must work with you in your youth ministry. I just mean that the idea that God can move me without any kind of effect on my bride is simply false. So, if you’re married, calling has we implications and must be fleshed out in the community of your marriage first. This is a mental shift that says, I’ll wait for God to confirm a call in us I’ll think we before me, and I’ll make my spouse a priority in my decision-making process. The next point is a practical way to flesh this out.

Give first right of refusal to your spouse. If you want to honor your spouse, then run your calendar and commitments by him or her first. Don’t assume that he or she “understands” or will be supportive of your ridiculous work schedule. Sometimes it means agreeing together that a season is going to be abnormally busy right before a camp or something, and you can prepare together accordingly. Maybe it means deciding that we’re booking too many nights out or deciding that a specific weekend needs to be spent with family instead of with the church. Yes, it’s a two-way conversation, but clear communication saves a world of hurt in marriage, especially when it comes to scheduling. If my wife feels like she’s part of the process of making the decisions, she’s much more supportive when the strain of them is felt. As a side note, sharing a calendar that we can both access on our computers and phones has done two things. [1] It’s made our schedules visible to each other at all times. [2] It’s produced a myth that, since we can see it, we’ve talked about it. In some ways, the fact that we can both see each other’s calendars has increased the need to communicate verbally so no false assumptions are made.

Get away. Just the two of you. Perhaps the single greatest investment we’ve made in our marriage has been twice-a-year retreats. We get away for three days and two nights twice a year, without the kids. A getaway weekend is worth its weight in gold for marriage longevity. Get cost creative if you need to. Just get away.

Stop multi-tasking and unplug. When we’re at our marriage best is when we turn off our cell phones, shut down our computers, and give each other our undivided attention. The idea that we can do marriage well with the digital world constantly interrupting us has become increasingly difficult for us. Our best shot at a healthy marriage is giving our marriage all of ourselves intentionally.

Be best friends, not ministry problem solvers. I trust your spouse is someone you’d call a best friend. The temptation is to then bring your best friend into the loop on your ministry problems. If this becomes your norm, don’t be surprised to find that your marriage has become consumed with ministry tasks. Instead of talking about your heart or planning a vacation, your marriage conversations become mini church-staff meetings. Be very careful. This has destroyed many a marriage. I recommend you have a longer church-staff meeting before turning your dinner table into another one.

So I said no, even though everything in me wanted to say yes. It wasn’t easy, but I knew I needed to make this decision with my husband in mind.

By nature, I’m a juggler, and I feel like I can throw everything into the air and catch it too. In fact, I can’t imagine my life any other way. But I’d have nothing if I lost my most important relationship on earth while trying to catch a few inconsequential items as they compare to the most important things.

And because of this juggling nature, (which I believe is not uncommon for ministry leaders, many who are bi-vocational) I’ve got to follow some rules that lead me to honor my marriage, even when I’m tempted to neglect it.

I’m still discovering new ways of honoring my spouse while working in ministry. New contexts and changes we face give plenty of space for this. Even so, there are a few fail-safe ways to honor my spouse.

Give space. I give space by not volunteering my spouse out. For example, have you ever uttered the words in a staff meeting where they are looking for someone to help in an area where your spouse has obvious gifts, “Oh yeah, my spouse can do that!” Always have a conversation (in private—even if that means sending a text or making a quick call) before you volunteer your most valuable person.

Gather advisors on major ministry and professional decisions. Even if I know the answer to a question, if it’s major, I take it to my T.E.A.M. (Trusted leader, Elder, Always faithful (a close friend), and My spouse). The Africa trip is a great example of this. I was conflicted. I knew the right answer was no, but I wanted to say yes. My TEAM affirmed what was happening in my spirit and supported me in making the honoring choice.

Say no—for the right reasons. Develop healthy boundaries with those you work with. Set expectations that are clear and have been explained. For example, I don’t answer my cell phone during dinner time. I have roughly three hours with my children before they go to bed. I dishonor my spouse if I don’t invest in those hours with my full attention. Sometimes things come up, but they are the exception, not the rule. I try not to overcommit. We are human. If we hyper-schedule ourselves, we’ll find our lives to be frantic, frenzied, and full of confusion. Honor your spouse by saying no. It’s okay.

Get help. One of the biggest blessings has been having the support of a professional design company. The owner of the company attends our church. When asked, she was more than willing to give her time and help. Not only has her company graciously supported us, they have taken visual communication to another level. We have a teenager in our church who started a nonprofit to raise money for clean water. The design company was the first to offer help and support their marketing pieces. For an entire year, they’ve given their creative services to help Birds of Hope raise more than $25,000. I would have jeopardized time with my family if I tried to do this on my own—and the products wouldn’t be half as good. I ask for help with things like this because my marriage is better when I’m not trying to be good at everything. Try asking for something. Make your need public and watch to see how God provides.

Unplug. No church talk at dinnertime or in bed. Enough said. These are the rules, fools. Follow them and thank me later.

Notice. God has given people in ministry an acute awareness of the needs of others around me and an ability to respond to them. I have to remember that my husband is just as deserving of this awareness.

I could have said yes to Africa and then yes to Thailand, an event that came up a week after the Africa offer. Everything would have been okay, but I would have been saying to my husband (and to my kids) that my plan is more important than our purpose together as a family. I’ll have other opportunities to serve and to give around the world, but I may not have another opportunity to honor my family.

Cheers to honoring our spouses, seeing their needs like we see everyone else’s, unplugging to connect with them, getting help and counsel to help us make honoring decisions, saying no to be able to say yes, and giving space to allow our spouses to be the people they were created to be. Sounds like a plan to me.