We all know longevity is good, but what's necessary to achieve it?

May 14, 2012 Posted by Mark Oestreicher

Brian Berry

I’ve been in youth ministry for eighteen years in a full-time role as a youth pastor—eleven years in my first church and seven where I am now. In those times there have been some over-the-top-great days that I will never forget. And then there are those days (lots more, it seems) when I wanted to quit and plenty of times when I just thought, This is so not making a difference. So when it comes to longevity, at least for me, it has been nothing short of an intentional and grace-filled series of choices.

Decide to weather some storms. Expect ministry to be messy, hard, and even a little hellish some days. It might even be like that for a season if you stay long enough. Know going into any context that the grass is not greener anywhere else, and there is no perfect shelter from ministry storms. Some days, all you can do is bunker down, remind yourself you knew these days would come, and pray for strength. Every—yup, every—long-term youth pastor has done this.

Learn to deal with criticism. Find ways to respond, listen to, and even learn from your critics. Learn to sort through the emotion to find the grain of truth in some of it. Seek it from those you trust. Flat out ignore it from the foolish. It’s an art you must master if you’re going to have longevity.

Be a team player. This means you champion ideas that are not your own. You lead the church from your backseat role, leading up when you can. Humbly serve others and earn the right to be heard. Sure, champion the cause of youth in your church; just don’t make that your only agenda. Longevity is not compatible with a lone-ranger mindset.

Equip, encourage, and empower your volunteers. The quickest way to short-term ministry is to become a one-person show. Conversely, those who want to stay for the long haul find help. They ask for others to join their team. They encourage those who do and empower their volunteers to be the best they can be. If you do this, leadership will feel less lonely, and that voice that says you should quit will not be as loud. It won’t go away, but when it has to go through your team first, it gets muffled.

Pick your battles. Some fires aren’t worth putting out, and some hills aren’t worth dying on. Don’t chase down every source of gossip or feel the need to reconcile everyone’s contrary opinions. Just love God and serve people—in that order. When you humbly have your priorities straight, you don’t quit or get fired over stupid stuff. Sometimes the best gift you can give your ministry is to let some stuff die. Longevity requires you to know what’s worth saving and when to have the funeral.

Check your credibility bank account before making big decisions. What I mean is that everyone has a relational bank account. Some decisions you make add credibility to it, and some will cost you. Canceling the church’s sacred cow midweek meeting will cost you dearly. If you don’t have the bank account for that credibility check, don’t write it, or you’ll become a short-term statistic. The larger the decision and the number of people it will impact, the more you have to consider the cost. Yes, I know you can’t please everyone, but people who stay for the long haul think about the consequences of their decisions and who they’re going to upset or please before they make the call. It might still need to happen, but maybe another, more senior leader should be the one writing the credibility check or co-signing with you. Perhaps this is part of what Jesus meant when he told his disciples to be innocent as doves and shrewd as serpents.

Take time off and take care of you. Have a life outside of ministry. Vacation with your family or friends. Get away and think and pray and play and laugh with people you don’t have to pastor. Just do anything and everything it takes to remain healthy yourself and to keep your ministry from being your God. It is for God. It is not God. Make sure you remind yourself often.

Lars Rood

I have been in youth ministry approaching twenty years, but I’ve worked in four different churches. Most people probably wouldn’t say I know very much about longevity since I have transitioned a few times. With that said, though, I think the list of those of us who have been doing Youth Ministry in churches for twenty years is pretty small.

The longest time I have stayed at a church is six years. That was an incredible time of growth for my family and for me. It is also the place where I still have some of the best relationships with students. I have been at my current church just over five years but am soon transitioning again.

But, if I look at my career in youth ministry, I really see God’s hand in it, even though I haven’t been at the same church for twenty years. I’ve never felt like I wasn’t walking the path God had for me, and I honestly believe that my longevity in the ministry has actually come from some of these transitions to different churches.

Figure out your strengths and focus on them while minimizing your weaknesses. I’m really good at a few things. Some other areas I struggle in. If I constantly felt like I needed to be better at those things, or if others consistently told me I had to grow in those areas, it would be hard. I try to make sure people know what I’m good at and do those things a lot. But I don’t neglect my weaknesses; I just find people who are strong in those areas and get their help.

Boundaries. Early on I realized that if I didn’t have solid boundaries, I would be a workaholic and likely burn out. I got my start in youth ministry working at a camp where we were on for the whole summer. That was a tough way to do ministry, but it taught me that I needed to find time to be off and that I couldn’t say yes to everything.

Time away. This is similar to boundaries, I guess. I have to make sure I take care of myself by regularly getting away. My senior pastor likes to say that if we don’t use all our vacation and study leave, we are sinning. I don’t fully agree with that theologically, but on a practical level, I do. I need to leave and recharge so when I’m back, I’m fresh.

Choose family/life/friends over ministry. Not everyone will agree with me here, but it works for me. As much as I possibly can, I choose to honor my commitment to my family and friends while maintaining a separation between work and life. I’ve just found that I need to build into the most important relationships I have, which are with my wife and kids and the people who build into me, which are my friends.

Have fun. A few years back I realized I wasn’t enjoying my job very much. I analyzed it and saw that I was doing so much of the administrative and mundane tasks of ministry that I was missing out on being with students. So I made sure that summer to get to as many of our summer camps and missions trips as I could.

Be strategic. You may be like me and hate all-nighters. Hopefully when you get older, you have younger staff who can run them. But make sure you are there for a good chunk. Maximize your opportunities to see and be with students. I like to say there is no value added to my job to ever be at the second half of a football game. I see everyone in the first half. I watch the band, dance team, and cheerleaders at halftime, and then I bail to go on a date with my wife.

Accountability. It’s too easy to be lazy, do something wrong, or get yourself in trouble if people trust you because of your longevity. Have people who ask you tough questions and grill you. It’ll help you grow too.

Love Jesus. So often in the midst of doing ministry, we forget about the reason we are involved in the first place. Just recently someone asked me how much time I was spending with the Lord. I was totally convicted and changed some patterns in my life so I can be more focused on my Bible and on prayer.

Keep relationships with students. It used to be that when they graduated you couldn’t stay as connected to them, but social media and cell phones have changed all that. This helps me see how my time with students fits into the context of their whole lives.

Learn to Fail. I think this is something I’ve gotten better at with age. I can best equate it to a pro skateboarder. Those guys take a lot of falls, but they have figured out how to fall in the right way. They land as safely as they can and are able to get back up and keep going. Early in ministry I didn’t know how to fall well. I’ve since learned a few tricks.

Mark Oestreicher

A youth worker preparing a seminar on this topic asked me this exact question late last year. I gave him this list:

Embrace humility. Ask people to hold you accountable to this.

Have intentional conversations with youth workers who have stayed in one church for ten years or more. Seek their input.

Make a list of the reasons longevity is valuable. Pull it out and read it from time to time.

Get over yourself. You are not God’s secret weapon or only option.

Ruthlessly develop intimacy with Jesus. Only when you are deeply connected with Jesus will you be able to set aside your ego and weather the temptations to move on.

Remind yourself regularly that your calling does not come from people but from God.

Decide how you will measure your success. Bad measures of success are big programs, lots of ego strokes, buzz, impressive numbers. Good measures of success are the faith examples of former teenagers when they’re in their twenties or thirties—and only longevity allows you to really see that.

Consider the cost to your church, the teenagers you serve, your family, and your own soul of constantly looking over the fence for something better.

Eschew power. Power corrupts your calling and falsely inflates your sense of importance.

Value faithfulness over influence.

Cultivate a life outside of youth ministry.

Be ruthless about establishing and honoring a sustainable rhythm of silence and solitude.

That list is a big mouthful to swallow. There’s some good stuff there, and I believe every single one of them to be true. But let me narrow it down a bit. And I’ll do so by making a potential overstatement (because I always do that!): I’ve never met a full-time paid youth worker who’s stayed in the same church for more than a dozen years who wasn’t humble.

Arrogance is the greatest enemy of longevity. It’s not that every youth worker who changes jobs is arrogant, but I sure have met my share of youth workers who move because they think they’re too good for their churches (or that their churches aren’t good enough for them).

Frankly, if you’re arrogant, you probably won’t even be able to conceive the value of longevity, and you probably didn’t make it this far in the post. But those humble, grounded, steadfast youth workers—ah, they might not be flashy; but, then, that’s a good thing.

Consider this, from Psalm 25:9: He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.

Or, from the MYWV (Marko’s Youth Worker Version, that is): He guides the humble youth worker, and teaches them to stay.

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In what meaningful ways are parents involved in your youth ministry?

February 27, 2012 Posted by Mark Oestreicher

Kara Powell

When youth leaders think of parents, two words tend to come to mind: checkbooks and chauffeurs.

To be sure, parents are often the ones who pay the money and drive the cars to get students to your various gatherings. But they are far more than that.

A growing group of youth leaders is asking this key question: How do we truly partner with parents in our youth ministries? Answers to these questions generally range from parent training meetings to involving parents as volunteers to sending out weekly e-updates and prayer requests.

All of these are good ideas, but I’ve been especially inspired by my church’s student ministry team’s efforts to weave ministry to and with parents into the fabric of its theology, philosophy, and programs. More specifically, the paid staff has decided to focus on parents in the midst of their rhythms and schedules.

Daily our church’s youth ministry team is committed to praying for parents. Whether individually or corporately, they ask God to work in and through the families in our church and community. They have reported to me that it’s a real joy to tell parents they’ve been praying for them and celebrate together the work that God is doing. If your church changes nothing else about how you involve parents, this is a fantastic idea.

Weekly our youth ministry communicates with parents by email, giving them updates about teaching series, questions that are bubbling to the surface in small groups, and prayer requests.

Monthly our student team intends to send out a training piece to parents, whether it be an online article from a great resourcing organization or an audio interview that one of the pastors has done with a local school counselor or therapist.

Now comes my favorite idea: Annually our youth ministry team does parent conferences. Their rationale is that if schools do them, why can’t the church?

This is optional, and less than 50% of students’ parents sign up for these thirty-minute slots. But our team devotes one week each year to these conferences so parents can sign up at times that work with their school and family schedules (weekdays, weeknights, during Sunday morning worship, etc.). During those conversations, the pastors (and small group leaders, if appropriate) share how they see God working in and through those particular students. Interestingly, one of the major themes during last year’s conferences was the message to parents that what their kids and their families were experiencing was normal.

What do you and your team do to build the encouragement and equipping of parents into your schedule?

Lars Rood

This is a great question. I think all of us in the youth ministry world would love to list a whole bunch of amazing things we do and share about how “sticky” “orange,” or “family based” we are. Those are some great Youth Ministry buzz words and generally make us look good and show how much we care about and love parents in the ministry.

I do think there are some meaningful places to have parents involved but I’ll admit this hasn’t always been a strength in ministries I have led. But there are a couple things I’ve done over the years that I think have been great and paid off in good ways for the family, the church, and the youth ministry.

Family Rafting. I have a background in outdoor-adventure-based ministry. One thing that attracted me to a church in Los Angeles fourteen years ago was the church’s willingness to provide the resources to start an outdoor ministry. We started rafting primarily as a way to connect families. I think there were about eight years in a row that we did Memorial Day family rafting trips. The goal of those weekends was for us as a ministry to serve families and give them a great opportunity to have fun with one another as well as connect with other families. There were several families who never missed this weekend. I often hear from them how great it was. You don’t have to do a rafting trip, but some type of overnight event where parents and students are engaged in something they wouldn’t normally do is a good thing. For us, rafting worked in a unique way because neither the parents nor the students were in charge. They all had to work together to get the boats down the river. Everyone was out of the comfort zone and normal world.

Parent Committees. In my Presbyterian world, we do a lot of things by committee. In the ministries I oversee, we have five committees, all made up of parents. These are generally places that we use as sounding boards and filters of ideas we come up with. It works pretty well, and we do listen to the parents.

Parent Chaperones/Volunteers. At my current church, we do this better than any other place I’ve been. Starting with fifth graders, we do a couple summer mission trips to Mendenhall, Mississippi, that we encourage parents to come on with their students. We find this helps us get these younger students signed up. Many of them have never been on this type of trip before, so they think it’s great to have their parents with them. We also find that it is really meaningful for parents. We’ve found that in our church there have been some significant recommitments and positive decisions from parents in their own spiritual lives from these trips. This model of inviting parents continues in our older grades too. We tell parents they are welcome to come on any trip we do, and we try to make sure we set things up so we will always have space for them.

Parenting Classes/Seminars. We look at parents as part of our ministry and make sure we provide resources, classes, seminars aimed specifically at them. This is why, for a long time, we had a part-time marriage and family therapist on staff who regularly met with parents and was always available to them. We try to make sure we bring in guest speakers who can help show parents the importance of the youth ministry and help them figure out how to best partner with us.

There’s a lot more you can be doing for parents. However, while parents should have a significant role, there are also appropriate times when they don’t. We want them to feel they are important and cared for, but we also sometimes just want to be with their kids. As a dad of three, sometimes I feel like my role is just to cheer on the youth workers who love them. I will tell you, though, that something I love is when those youth workers contact me just to tell me how they love my kids and the great things they see my kids doing.

Karina Veas

Parents are crucial partners who have a lot to offer in terms of their influence and resources. However, it is also imperative to understand that when parents begin to become more involved, not only will their strengths become apparent but also their weaknesses. We all know that, just as the spiritual development among our youth varies, it also varies among their parents.

We have attempted to provide a variety of parental involvement opportunities since one cookie-cutter mold doesn’t fit everyone. It is important to get to know the parents so you can make sure they are in the right place for them to serve. We provide parents with a contract that clearly outlines expectations we have for their roles and the responsibilities they are required to meet in order to provide clarity and avoid any misunderstandings.

The first way to become involved is in a volunteer role. Some activities that fall under this area include assisting with weekly tasks, supervising the parking lot, purchasing supplies, or cleanup. We attempt to think about the following types of questions here: 1) What values are important to them? 2) What do they enjoy doing? 3) How can they incorporate this into new service opportunities?

The second way to become involved is by beginning to interact with students more regularly. Training parents on how to make students feel cared about is stressed here. Activities that fall under this area involve preparing specific meals, providing transportation, and participating in training events. Questions to think about here include: 1) What do they need to do? 2) What small steps can we take to bring them into the life of weekly events? 3) What can we do to make them feel welcome?

The third way has to do with helping them develop both as parents and leaders. We want parents to be equipped to take initiative and feel as though they can make a positive difference in the present and future. We take steps to create a safe community where parents can find support and accountability among fellow parents. Activities that fall under this area include monthly events where parents have time to share what is going on in their lives and how they can take more active roles in the lives of their students and the ministry. Questions to think about here include: 1) How can we help parents to reflect on the past, in order to learn from it? 2) How can we encourage parents to follow on their goals?

The fourth way centers more around building stronger relationships. The priority here is to help develop healthy parent-student relationships that take work and need to be set as a priority. Our ministry has sought to create activities where parents and students can be outside their comfort zones in order to be vulnerable and learn together. Some things we have done in the past include retreats, service trips, and rite-of-passage activities. Questions to think about here include: 1) What types of activities are conducive to learning? 2) How can we incorporate parents who can help take ownership of this?

Our ministry developed these intentional practices over a number of years in the belief that if we are not more intentional about helping parents feel welcome to participate, we will be missing out on what God desires to do in our community.

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How can a young youth worker gain credibility in his or her church?

December 20, 2011 Posted by Mark Oestreicher

Lars Rood

Be professional. When many of us started out in youth ministry, we did so without a whole lot of understanding about what we were getting ourselves into. Sure, we knew we were expected to love and care for teenagers, but there were parts of our jobs too that somehow made us continually feel like we were actually still one of them. How many times did I wear shorts, flip flops, t-shirts to the office because I had just come from being with students or was going to go hang out with them after school?

How many times did someone walk into the youth facility and see me playing some sort of game or immediately start shooting at them with a Nerf gun? How many times did I communicate poorly, get back from a trip late, and drive the church van through a huge puddle or over a dead dog in Mexico? The answer to those questions is a lot, but that was part of my job, right?

I’m a huge fan of doing things that are fun and helping shape memories. I think, as a whole, I did a pretty good job with all of that, and I regret few things I ever did (except driving over that dog). But I also know that, had I been slightly more aware of people’s perceptions of me and how I could have a greater impact if I came across a bit more professionally, I would have changed a lot.

For example, on Tuesdays each week at my current church, we have an all-church-staff chapel. In the life of our staff, this is a pretty important meeting because it’s usually the only time we ever all get together. I make sure on Tuesdays that I do three things. 1. I get there early. One of the major problems with youth workers is that there is a general perception that we always fly by the seat of our pants. Since my church staff members only see me in this type of setting one time a week, I want their perception to be that I am punctual. 2. I sit near the front. This sounds silly, but in general, I think most people expect the youth workers to sit in the back (after sneaking in late) and text during the whole meeting. Sitting near the front shows people that I am engaged. 3. I dress appropriately. Since this is the only time most people see me during the week, I try not to give the perception that flip flops, shorts, and a t-shirt is my everyday attire.

Here are a couple other ways you can gain credibility in your own church:

Be consistent. This is especially important if you are younger because oftentimes the church expects you to be scatterbrained and hit or miss in your leadership style. Make every effort to maintain a solid demeanor, appearance, and attitude in all situations.

Promote expertise. Notice I don’t say be the expert. We need to expose our congregations to good research, practices, and ideas. But we don’t need to be the experts ourselves. Just know what books, speakers, and resources to let people know about. Be the conduit for good information and expertise in youth ministry. Your credibility will jump if people know you will either be able to answer a question or refer them to a source that can help.

Define your role. If you allow others to define your role and pigeonhole you, you will have difficulty overcoming their perceptions about what you do and how much you have to offer. For example, most of us were hired as youth pastors. But the reality is that a big part of our job is ministering to the family as well. Make sure to shape and define your role in a way that gives people a broader perspective of what it is you do. Then, when they have a family question, you might actually be asked what you think.

Communicate well and often. Parents are busy and don’t always read email. If you want them to know something important, you are going to have to reach them in multiple ways. A quick, two-sentence email about a major change sent at 11:59 p.m. the night before a trip isn’t a good way to get parents to think you know what you are doing.

Spend time interacting with the whole church. Early in my ministry, I got in trouble for being a “blur in the parking lot.” What I mean by this is that my goal was to get from point A to point B as quickly as possible with as few interactions as possible along the way. If it was a student I stopped to talk, but if it was an adult, I moved quickly. If you want to gain credibility in the church, you have to spend time with the church.

There’s obviously a ton more that could be said about gaining credibility. I’m grateful that there are two other columns here. My thoughts may be overly simple, but I can only speak from my own experience.

Jeremy Zach

I have learned that the young youth worker must not only accept but address this gaining-credibility issue. It took me a bit to embrace the idea that I am a young leader. But once I embraced it, I was way more open to learning how to gain credibility in the church.

So who can address this credibility issue? My boy: Aristotle. No person on the planet has spent as much time as Aristotle contemplating the idea of credibility. Aristotle defines credibility as ethos.

Aristotle argues there are three components of ethos: intelligence (mental habits); virtue (moral habits); good will (emotional habits).

Intelligence. What the older generation wants to know is that the young youth worker is competent. Essentially, do young leaders have the knowledge to figure out how to lead a youth ministry theologically and practically? How to gain intelligence?

Read. This is how I delegate my reading: 70% Christian (Bible, commentaries, theology books, ministry blogs) and 30% secular (adolescent research, New York Times, leadership resources). I also love reading biographies about the dead guys. There is so much to be learned from the guys who went before us.

Listen. Shut your mouth and listen. Listen and learn from other perspectives before giving your two cents. Spend time with others in your community who are way smarter than you and ask them questions about their success.

Education. I think it is huge if youth pastors are seminary trained and have a four-year degree in business. A business degree teaches you how to manage people, and a seminary education will teach you how to think theologically. If your church is willing to pay for an education, do it.

Go to conferences. Youth ministry conferences will teach you the how-to’s and force you to be around experienced and educated youth pastors.

Virtue. The older generation wants to know if you have a strong moral compass in order to make it in ministry without burning or flaking out. One of the top reasons youth pastors don’t make it is moral failure. Character is everything. Character includes such things as self-discipline, modesty, teamwork, integrity, purity, work ethic, loyalty, honesty, courage, tenacity, intelligence, consideration for others, and determination.

Study Scripture on character. Let Scripture transform your character. Be patient, humble, and respectful toward authority (Matthew 25, Luke 8, 2 Corinthians 5, Ephesians 4, and 2 Corinthians 4).

Find older leaders to mentor you. The goal is to illustrate the Paul and young Timothy relationship (1 Timothy 4:12). Ask older and wiser adults to speak into your life. Surround yourself with older adults who have successfully managed work, health, marriage, raising kids, money, and ministry.

Good Will. Having good will means having a good work ethic. The older generation believes high productivity is associated with credibility. The goal is to be known as the church staff member who will always get it done and is trustworthy. Suggestions on how to demonstrate a great work ethic:

Work really hard, especially in the small and insignificant tasks.
Show up early.
Return every phone call and email.
Get excited and think positive when you work.
Set deadlines.
Volunteer for the tough assignments no one else wants.
Every day write down the top three to four tasks you need to get done that day.
Don’t multi-task. Multi-tasking increases your chances of losing focus.

Gaining credibility in the church takes time. Don’t feel discouraged when you are criticized for being young, idealistic, inexperienced, or passionate. Aristotle knew what he was talking about. Therefore, I encourage you to consider adopting Aristotle’s approach.

Brooklyn Lindsey

Credibility is the quality of being trusted. Teenagers are quick to trust us.

Youth worker: “Stand right there while I aim to hit you with this ball.”

Trusting teenager: “Okay.”

Credibility, or the quality of being trusted, takes more time with adults—the church as they observe the person you are and the person you are becoming. Credibility involves effort beyond great messages, an outgoing presence, and doing Sunday morning announcements in the worship service.

My first year in youth ministry I learned how to quickly lose credibility in my church:

Misplace the worship leader’s ten-year-old daughter at Disney World. Voice frustrations about leadership with other leadership. Try to fix things myself (FYI: Breaking down on the side of a busy interstate with a van full of teenagers always requires a call back to the church and professional help.). Be exclusively available to the youth ministry.

Looking back, I wish someone had been there to tell me how to own my ministry without disowning the church. There is no price tag on wisdom gained through experience. And my experience tells me, if I want credibility in my church, I’ve got to do a few things (there are others, but here are the few that come to mind first):

Display consistency in my walk with Christ both in and outside the church (over time). Model spiritual formation by developing habits of a growing Christian (over time). Respect leadership, even when I disagree, by communicating in healthy and loving ways (over time). Realize mistakes I make and do what it takes to make them right (over time). Include others by sharing ministry and training others in their gifts (over time). Let honesty be the rule, always choosing the truth over white lies or manipulation (over time). Take responsibility for my work by doing what I said I would do (over time). Help others with their work, doing whatever it takes to further the mission with the gifts I have to share. Seek forgiveness when wrong (each time). Let go of the chip. Whatever past hurt keeps me from focusing on the present needs to be given to God (each time). Lead well from the middle, getting rid of jealousy or feelings of competition, striving to contribute for the sake of the kingdom and for those who are lost. Be seen serving and loving people, in my everyday life. The temptation is to hide because of the social demands of ministry, but the body needs our example, and we need to be seen. My life speaks louder than my all of my words, tweets, and updates combined.

Notice the common denominator in all of these things: time.

For too long I jumped around, waiting for the perfect scenario to do ministry when, all along, the perfect scenario could be found as I remained in imperfect community, with humility, seeking to serve and share the gifts I’ve received with others. When I came to my current assignment, the word God gave me was remain. Remaining somewhere gives a person a track record that can be telling.
“I can trust you.”
“I’ve seen you weather storms.”
“I know you won’t lose track of my kids… Okay, you’ll probably lose track of my kids! But I know you’ve trained and equipped enough leaders that someone will notice quickly and you’ll have a plan.”
“I know when you tell me something, it’s the truth.”
“I know if I’m being corrected it’s because you love me, just like you’ve loved so many before me.”

If you want credibility, stay somewhere long enough for people to give it to you.

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What's the wisdom of involving your own children in youth ministry events when they're younger?

November 28, 2011 Posted by Mark Oestreicher

Lars Rood

I don’t often point out many of the things I think younger youth workers just don’t get, but this is of those cases where I don’t think they will understand until they have kids of their own.

I’ve done youth ministry for a long time. I also have 3 kids. It’s my goal to be strategic in having my kids involved in as much of the life of the youth ministry as possible. I heard a story once of a youth worker who took his whole family, including a young baby, on a trip and essentially had to drive separate from the group, stay separate from the group, and not really engage with the students at all. That’s not strategic. But,

on the other side of that is a great mentor of mine in youth ministry who, every spring break, essentially invited the youth ministry to travel with his family on their spring break vacation. Obviously there are great ways to engage your youth ministry and your family, and there are some bad ways too.

My opinion is that it’s healthy when it’s done right. This last year we hosted dinners at our house every other week for our senior class. It was my way of engaging them as they went through a difficult season of college applications and anxiety. My family was always there. My daughter used to ask me on Sundays if it was an “other” Sunday. For her, it was always a highlight of the week to have the big kids come over.

I think Paul models this kind of ministry in 2 Thessalonians when he talks about “sharing his life” with the community. The only way I know how to do ministry is the same way. The families many of our students are growing up in aren’t healthy. They are busy, disengaged, and frantic. Often Dad (or Mom) works long hours and is unavailable to them. What I’m trying to do with students in my youth ministry is show them my real life and expose them to how I actually am and not just the way I want them to think I am. So I show them how I interact with my wife and how I parent my kids. I think it’s one of my greatest offerings to them as they see what it means to be a Christian and a husband and father.

To my younger friends in youth ministries, I simply ask the question: What are you modeling to students? Many of you are close in age and are more like peers to the students. Your life shows them one side of being a Christian in the world but not a full picture. You will likely eventually have kids and have to make these types of decisions. One way you can be strategic now is by inviting parents of students to come on trips and have them model what you can’t.

Last summer was busy. It started out with a five-day, guys-only houseboat trip. Then in July we did an eight-day high school trip to Seattle and followed that with a thirteen-day trip to Israel. I took my boys (ages eleven and eight) on the houseboat trip. They had a great time hanging out with the older boys. My oldest learned how to play poker (maybe I’m not a good parent), and he told me he loved listening to the talks each evening. I was busy running the trip and also being a dad. It wasn’t ideal in that there were times I couldn’t engage with the youth group kids, but I still think it was great. But I had a bunch of leaders on the trip, so I wasn’t the focal point.

The reality, though, is that I was gone three out of four weeks in July. This is typically the busiest month in my youth ministry world. But, as a dad who loves his family, and as someone who has seen the negative side of youth ministry when parents are always gone from their own kids, I say involve your kids in everything you can. I’m pretty sure Doug Fields wrote somewhere at some point that there has to be some sort of benefit for your kids when their parent is a youth worker. I embrace that statement and the belief behind it.

My kids will always be involved because I think it models health to students. It is healthy for me, and it shows that youth ministry doesn’t operate in a vacuum that is only accessible to twenty-year-olds without kids.

Eric Iverson

I think involving our children in youth ministry when they are young is a great idea. As youth workers, many of us are great at pouring time and creativity into the lives of volunteers and the young people in our ministry but not great at balancing the investment of those gifts into our family. Any practice that helps us balance the two is good. Our primary ministry is our family, and we need constant reminders of that as we serve the local church.

As we attempt to steward the gifts God has given us in our children, showing them what humility and service looks like is important. Having your child watch you be obedient as you move chairs, orchestrate midweek service, patiently listen to others, and encourage young folks is the best teaching tool you could have in your bag of tricks. You gain credibility with them as you encourage them to serve others with their lives, and respect as someone who makes humility cool.

Explaining what youth workers do is often difficult, so involving your children in ministry when they are young is important because it allows them to see it. When they see you in action, it helps them understand better what we really do. If for nothing else, knowing what we do for work can help justify why we are gone and not with them.

It is also important for them to see you working so you can model responsibility for them. Seeing that doing your job is more than planning games or going to breakfast with someone else’s kid; it is part of you following through on commitments and being responsible for leadership in a ministry of the church.

Volunteers who serve alongside most of you are young themselves. They are often looking for models who demonstrate godly parenting. If they are single, they look for examples of what to be looking for in a spouse, and how you engage with your children could be one of the most positive peeks into marriage and parenting they get. We often overlook our discipleship of volunteers, but you are discipling them whether you know it or not, and showing them how to parent is a wonderful tool of Christian discipleship.

Lastly, if your students are like me or many young people I know today, they have poor examples of faithful, consistent Christian parenting at home. You might be the best example of what good parenting looks like. As young people develop their own identities and determine trajectories for their own lives, seeing positive parenting in action can help them set the bar high for who they want to become and whom they want to parent with when that time comes. This is especially critical for you men who serve as youth workers.

We all have great examples of women who can parent their butts off, but unfortunately these shining lights are often lacking when it comes to dads. If you’re a guy, I strongly encourage you to think about your example to your students; not just how you interact with them but how you model a loving and faithful commitment to your own children. In fact, your parenting and marriage might be the most important lessons you share with your youth group while they are under your influence.

Now, having said all of this, I have to caution you to use common sense when involving our own children when they are young. Keep your child safe. Don’t ever assume that teens know how to handle, hold, or interact with young children. I wouldn’t trust most teens to be alone with my children. Don’t use your kids like puppies. Puppies are cute and cuddly and can bring a lot of attention to the owner. Your child is not a student magnet. If your child is going to interfere with or distract you from teaching God’s Word, leave the tyke at home.

Lastly, if you’re feeling guilty about not spending enough time with your kids and are involving them in ministry to kill two birds with one stone, learn to set some boundaries and say no more often. If you need help prioritizing between your children and the children of others in your ministry, your children are more important.

Chris Folmsbee

I vividly remember having a conversation with my wife about our kids attending our youth ministry gatherings. We decided it was important for our kids to attend as many youth ministry gatherings as feasible.

At first, it was easy; my wife just lugged around the car seat carrier for months. Even when my oldest was a toddler, it was easy because she just sat in the back and colored or watched a DVD with headphones. There was always a high school student or two willing to attend to whatever she needed.

Then, as she grew older, it became more difficult. As soon as my daughter was old enough to observe, repeat words, and mimic certain behaviors, my wife and I had to have a conversation again about whether it was wise to allow our children to be part of our youth ministry events. We mutually decided we would still make sure our children could be part of our youth ministry as much as was feasible. We concluded it was important for the following reasons.

We thought it was important that our children had a healthy view of me, as their father. My father was a pastor, and aside from his Sunday morning sermon, seldom did I see him in action, so to speak. Every time I heard my mom and him discussing a church-related issue or subject, I could only imagine my father as a pastor. All I knew of my father was what he was like in our home. I would have loved to see my father live out his calling as a pastor as well as my father. My wife and I thought it was important for our children to see their dad outside the home to give them a bigger view of life and a holistic view of my life.

We thought it was important that our children had a healthy view of relationships and how people interact with one another. We wanted our kids to see the two of us related not only to teens but to the parents of teens and to other youth workers. Not all the interactions my kids have seen me participate in have been positive. One thing is certain, however. The interactions were real, and our kids have seen me in a more holistic way.

We thought it was important that our children have a healthy view of the church. I desire for my kids to love the church. I long for them to discover what took me more than two decades to learn, and that is that the church is not a building; it is a people. Our youth ministry events were a microcosm of the church in action—that is, the people of God actively engaging God’s mission to restore the world to its intended wholeness. I’m sure that through all the years of participating in the mission of God with teens, parents, and volunteers, they have at the very least a glimpse of the holistic nature of God and God’s people.

We thought it was important that our children have a healthy view of our calling. My wife and I are both called, in a general sense, to be growing disciples. Our intent was that our kids would see us actively live into our calling to serve others and that to be a growing disciple, one must love others as much as one loves God.

We thought that it was important that our children have a healthy view of formation. My wife and I wanted our kids to see a holistic view of spiritual formation and dimensions of formation, such as the disciplines and practices. Both my wife and I grew up in churches where formation was viewed as a program, not a process, and we desired that our children see both of us being formed spiritually through life with others.

Now that I have answered the question, let me make this statement. Whatever you decide to do about your children or any others participating in youth ministry events and activities, know that it is even wiser to find ways to let your kids know that the ministry is never more important than them and that your love for and calling to them as a dad or mom far exceeds your calling as a youth minister.

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How do you know when it's time to consider moving on from a youth ministry role?

October 24, 2011 Posted by Mark Oestreicher

Adam McLane

In my first youth ministry job, I was fortunate enough to have a 25+-year veteran serve as a volunteer. His wisdom gave me a giant fast forward in the church/staff relationship process. When it came time for me to move on to a full-time role, he and I talked a lot about the process of finding a new church.

One day he stopped me in midsentence. “Can you please stop all the Christianese about this job search? Calling, feeling led to a specific ministry type, all of that stuff. Let’s face it—God doesn’t care where you serve him; he cares that you serve him.”

As we unpacked that, he talked about the danger of wrapping up my identity with my vocation and the practical implications for that when things went well in ministry and when things didn’t go well. His rant stuck with me. If I don’t see a burning bush or get suddenly blinded by Jesus, then “calling” is probably not the right description for a job hunt.

That little exchange changed my view on working in the church for the next ten years. We over-spiritualize the whole work/life relationship. It’s a job with a task, and we are professionals hired to fill a role. No offense, but your ministry gig is just that—a gig. That doesn’t mean you love it any less. That doesn’t lessen your significance in the ministry. But it does mean that it’s just a job, and you shouldn’t make it something that it isn’t. It’s what you do, not who you are.

So how do I know when it’s time to leave? Here are a few criteria I’ve used in helping others through this process.

Are you still having fun? Working with teenagers in a church and dealing with all of the ancillary stuff is hard work. And if you aren’t having fun anymore, it’s time to move on. That doesn’t mean every minute has to be filled with games. But it does mean that there is a tipping point between joyfully doing the stuff you don’t like that goes along with the job and looking at your calendar and only seeing things you dream. If you don’t like what you are doing and where you are working, you should quit.

Is this just a valley? I spent eighteen months as the solo pastor at a church after the other two pastors quit suddenly. I know valleys. Those eighteen months were survivable because I knew it was just a valley and we’d be okay when we popped out the other side. During those eighteen months of weddings, funerals, pulpit supply, and endless elder meetings, I gained a new appreciation for the role of the senior pastor. On top of that, when we came out of the valley, the joy was that much greater.

Do you love the staff? I was always jealous of the teams I saw at the big leadership events. They seemed to love each other and want to hang out all the time. I don’t know if that’s the model for ministering together we should strive for. But I do know that you should love doing life with the people you work with.

Do you still love the people? There’s a difference between having healthy boundaries between your ministry life and your personal life and just plain not liking the people in your ministry. If you don’t legitimately like the people in your community, then it’s probably time for you to do something else.

Are you there because of fear? I think a lot of people stay too long in vocational ministry because they are afraid that they can’t do anything else. I’ll let you in on a little secret. You can be a youth worker without being an employee of the church! Never stay at a job because the inconvenience of looking for work is worse than staying at a job you hate.

At the end of the day, there isn’t a formula for knowing when it’s time to double down or time to get out of town. But I’ve learned that there is great value in asking your spouse, your close friends, and a couple other advisers periodically.

Lars Rood

I should start out by saying that I have worked at four churches, so I have a few thoughts about transitions. I’ll also say that in most cases I made good decisions, but there is still one church I left that I question whether it was right.

Transitions are always difficult to navigate. In many cases in the youth ministry world, churches assume we won’t stay long term when they hire us. Unfortunately, that preconceived notion makes them not want to commit much to us. There are youth ministers who stay at their churches for a long time. I think that’s great and commend them for that commitment. We would better serve the world of youth ministry if we all did that. But, it is often just not possible. So how do you know it’s time to leave or go? Here’s a couple thoughts.

How are your heart and soul? I work at a church that I love. I love my staff, the students, their families, and the whole community. I wake up in the morning thinking about the church and am really excited about all the possibilities. Most of the time I feel like I am valued. I worked at a church once where I didn’t feel that way. That was hard. I think self-evaluation of how you are doing at your soul is a huge step. If you feel like you are at a place that nurtures and cares for it, then you are in a good place. If the opposite is true, then you might want to consider a transition.

How are you compensated? I mean way more than money, but I’ll start by talking about strict finances. Do you get paid enough to live on? Are you able to make ends meet and not eat noodles every night? Does the church have a plan for how you might be compensated better during life transitions or milestones? Often in our world, churches don’t take care of us differently when we get married, have kids, or graduate. This is especially true in today’s tight economy. But this is a long-term question you will have to wrestle with. It may be that you are compensated fairly, and I don’t think money should be at the top of your list when it comes to transitions, but it is a factor.

Is there opportunity for growth? This sounds way more like a business question than a church question, but I think it’s still worth asking. If you’ve been in your job for a while and do it well, is there any opportunity to take on more leadership and responsibilities? In many cases, the answer is yes, and you could see yourself sticking around for a long time because there are places you can move into as your life changes. I’ve moved into more of a leader of leaders role as I’ve gotten older and been around longer. It’s a good place for me. If you are in a role that will likely never change and you feel already like you are butting up against a ceiling, you might want to consider a transition.

What happens when you graduate from school? I’m a huge proponent of education. Graduation is a natural time of transition. I left a church after I graduated from seminary. It was a great transition, and everyone celebrated with me. It may be that you are more qualified for a different role after graduation and doors are opening to you. Or you might find that your church wants to move you into something else or increase your salary.

Are you done? This is a simple yet profound question. The hardest year of ministry for me is always the fifth year. It is the year after the first group of students I started with as ninth graders graduate. We are not supposed to have favorites, but in general, that first class I spent four years with will always be mine. So the year after they graduate is a difficult year. I miss them a ton. At one church, I was done in my fifth year but stuck around for two more. All of us will get to a point where we recognize that we know we are finished with our role. But many of us like paychecks and hate transition and just stick around because we are too scared to follow God somewhere else.
One thing I really like about the Slant 33 blog is that you can read two other people’s thoughts here about transitions. Getting multiple opinions is probably really helpful. All situations are different. My last bit of advice is that you have to weigh all factors before making any decision. Focusing too much on any one factor will probably lead you to make the wrong decision. I did that once. I decided a location I wanted to live and a beach I wanted to spend a lot of time at. My blinders came up, and I didn’t weigh all the factors. Great beach, wrong church.

Mark Oestreicher

I moved too often in my first bunch of years of youth ministry. Let’s just get that on the table right up front. I can easily explain or justify each move (the church couldn’t hire me full time; I got fired; there were budget cutbacks, and I was going to lose my job). All legit. All rational.

The problem is, though, I think my mess was too much a part of the decision-making goulash each time. I wanted more power. I wanted to be liked more. I wanted to be respected more. And, man, the grass is so freaking green at the church calling you. It’s like green food coloring green.

I’m not saying those moves were mistakes. But I’m definitely saying my process of deciding was faulty. Well, except maybe the time I got fired. I didn’t have much say in that. But my discernment process for the next job was just as faulty as the ones that offered more volition. It wasn’t until I left my fourth church, to go to Youth Specialties, that my process was patient and thoughtful and anything resembling spiritual discernment.

In church world, we are pretty good at masking this. We are quick with the “God is calling me” language because it just doesn’t sound that good to say, “I just don’t like you people” or, “Sorry, but that other church offered me way more money” or, “I ran out of ideas here and need to go somewhere else where I can repeat them all and have them seem new.”

Over my dozen years at Youth Specialties, and in the couple years since, I’ve had hundreds of youth workers ask me about leaving. I don’t think we have the space to go into a deep response about spiritual discernment. But let me take a swing at a couple other related issues:

Are you worn out? Youth ministry can be one of the more wearying jobs out there. There are plenty of other jobs that are more physically exhausting. But when you add in the emotional, mental, and relational strain, well, it’s easy to get toasty. So we all get worn out. The question is: Is this a worn out that, with some rest, you can come back from? Are you tired, or are you worn out to the point that you’re going to do damage if you stay?

You might need some extended rest or a sabbatical in order to figure this out. (Of course, that feels risky too. My friend asked for and received a three-month sabbatical to discern whether he was supposed to stay at his church. On the day he returned to tell the church he had a renewed sense of calling and was going to stay, they informed him they’d decided the opposite. Ah, churches. That goofy bride o’ Christ.)

The other significant question I think youth workers need to ask themselves is: Can I find something—anything—that I can respect about my senior pastor and leadership? In my experience, most people who are even considering a move at all are, to one extent or another, dissatisfied. Something is not great. And, more often than not, when I dig into these questions with youth workers, I find the core issue circling around an eroded trust in and respect for the senior pastor (or sometimes for the broader church leadership; but that’s tolerable if the youth worker feels like the senior pastor is honest about it).

Here’s what it boils down to for me: If you’re wondering about leaving, even flirting with the idea, there are some steps to take and questions to ask yourself:

1. Bring a discernment team around for this purpose alone. Obviously, these need to be highly trustworthy people who will understand the confidentiality of the situation. Read up on Quaker Clearness Committees and give the group permission, even a charge, to ask you anything and everything.

2. Ask yourself, Why am I less than satisfied? Be ruthlessly honest with yourself and journal about it.

3. If your dissatisfaction is centered around a lack of respect for the leadership of the church, you have three options:

Leave. If you are bitter and stay, you will do damage. Hear this: Even if the church leadership really is wrong, it’s wrong for you to be a mini Godzilla.

Realize you’ll need to leave but not immediately. Set a deadline. Be optimistic and supportive of the church leadership, knowing there’s a light at the end of your tunnel.

Or, find something to respect about your senior leadership and pray for a softened heart and renewed passion.

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How do you honor your marriage while in youth ministry? In what practical ways do you prioritize your marriage over ministry?

October 3, 2011 Posted by Mark Oestreicher

Brian Berry

By way of clarity, I’ve been a full-time youth pastor for more than seventeen years, serving in two churches. I started in April of 1994 and got married in June of that same year, so all but three months of it have been as a married man too. My wife, Shannon, and I have now been in San Diego for six and a half years and have five kids ranging in age from 8 to 14. So keeping my marriage a priority is constantly in tension with the pull of work, family, and life.

We could probably make a long list of reasons for this tension, discussing the demands of the church, the difficulty of separating work and home life when your calling as a pastor is a 24/7 reality, the needs of people, etc. But, regardless of the reason, if you want to stay in ministry and stay married to your spouse, then my observation and experience tell me it will require intentionality.

Here are five things we’ve tried to do as a married couple that I think have been strategically helpful. Sometimes we’re better at these than others.

Remember, God called me to marriage. Bear with me here. This one is more philosophical than practical at first. The idea that God called me to be a pastor is both true and needed to keep my butt in my pastoral seat. Honestly, without a call, I would have left a long time ago. But it is equally true that God has called me to be married. Maybe that call is what keeps my butt there too in the tough times. The two callings are inseparable. So it is logistically impossible for me to say “God has called me to” anymore. It is always, “God is calling us.” I don’t mean that your spouse must work with you in your youth ministry. I just mean that the idea that God can move me without any kind of effect on my bride is simply false. So, if you’re married, calling has we implications and must be fleshed out in the community of your marriage first. This is a mental shift that says, I’ll wait for God to confirm a call in us I’ll think we before me, and I’ll make my spouse a priority in my decision-making process. The next point is a practical way to flesh this out.

Give first right of refusal to your spouse. If you want to honor your spouse, then run your calendar and commitments by him or her first. Don’t assume that he or she “understands” or will be supportive of your ridiculous work schedule. Sometimes it means agreeing together that a season is going to be abnormally busy right before a camp or something, and you can prepare together accordingly. Maybe it means deciding that we’re booking too many nights out or deciding that a specific weekend needs to be spent with family instead of with the church. Yes, it’s a two-way conversation, but clear communication saves a world of hurt in marriage, especially when it comes to scheduling. If my wife feels like she’s part of the process of making the decisions, she’s much more supportive when the strain of them is felt. As a side note, sharing a calendar that we can both access on our computers and phones has done two things. [1] It’s made our schedules visible to each other at all times. [2] It’s produced a myth that, since we can see it, we’ve talked about it. In some ways, the fact that we can both see each other’s calendars has increased the need to communicate verbally so no false assumptions are made.

Get away. Just the two of you. Perhaps the single greatest investment we’ve made in our marriage has been twice-a-year retreats. We get away for three days and two nights twice a year, without the kids. A getaway weekend is worth its weight in gold for marriage longevity. Get cost creative if you need to. Just get away.

Stop multi-tasking and unplug. When we’re at our marriage best is when we turn off our cell phones, shut down our computers, and give each other our undivided attention. The idea that we can do marriage well with the digital world constantly interrupting us has become increasingly difficult for us. Our best shot at a healthy marriage is giving our marriage all of ourselves intentionally.

Be best friends, not ministry problem solvers. I trust your spouse is someone you’d call a best friend. The temptation is to then bring your best friend into the loop on your ministry problems. If this becomes your norm, don’t be surprised to find that your marriage has become consumed with ministry tasks. Instead of talking about your heart or planning a vacation, your marriage conversations become mini church-staff meetings. Be very careful. This has destroyed many a marriage. I recommend you have a longer church-staff meeting before turning your dinner table into another one.

Brooklyn Lindsey

After a busy summer month, I received a call to go on an expenses-paid study trip to Africa, giving me the opportunity to see firsthand the fruits of efforts raising money during the 30-Hour Famine. What a great opportunity.

One problem: The trip was only a few weeks away. I had been gone from my family for more than three weeks. And I’d be missing a major milestone in our family—the launch of a project my husband had been working on for months.

So I said no, even though everything in me wanted to say yes. It wasn’t easy, but I knew I needed to make this decision with my husband in mind.

By nature, I’m a juggler, and I feel like I can throw everything into the air and catch it too. In fact, I can’t imagine my life any other way. But I’d have nothing if I lost my most important relationship on earth while trying to catch a few inconsequential items as they compare to the most important things.

And because of this juggling nature, (which I believe is not uncommon for ministry leaders, many who are bi-vocational) I’ve got to follow some rules that lead me to honor my marriage, even when I’m tempted to neglect it.

I’m still discovering new ways of honoring my spouse while working in ministry. New contexts and changes we face give plenty of space for this. Even so, there are a few fail-safe ways to honor my spouse.

Give space. I give space by not volunteering my spouse out. For example, have you ever uttered the words in a staff meeting where they are looking for someone to help in an area where your spouse has obvious gifts, “Oh yeah, my spouse can do that!” Always have a conversation (in private—even if that means sending a text or making a quick call) before you volunteer your most valuable person.

Gather advisors on major ministry and professional decisions. Even if I know the answer to a question, if it’s major, I take it to my T.E.A.M. (Trusted leader, Elder, Always faithful (a close friend), and My spouse). The Africa trip is a great example of this. I was conflicted. I knew the right answer was no, but I wanted to say yes. My TEAM affirmed what was happening in my spirit and supported me in making the honoring choice.

Say no—for the right reasons. Develop healthy boundaries with those you work with. Set expectations that are clear and have been explained. For example, I don’t answer my cell phone during dinner time. I have roughly three hours with my children before they go to bed. I dishonor my spouse if I don’t invest in those hours with my full attention. Sometimes things come up, but they are the exception, not the rule. I try not to overcommit. We are human. If we hyper-schedule ourselves, we’ll find our lives to be frantic, frenzied, and full of confusion. Honor your spouse by saying no. It’s okay.

Get help. One of the biggest blessings has been having the support of a professional design company. The owner of the company attends our church. When asked, she was more than willing to give her time and help. Not only has her company graciously supported us, they have taken visual communication to another level. We have a teenager in our church who started a nonprofit to raise money for clean water. The design company was the first to offer help and support their marketing pieces. For an entire year, they’ve given their creative services to help Birds of Hope raise more than $25,000. I would have jeopardized time with my family if I tried to do this on my own—and the products wouldn’t be half as good. I ask for help with things like this because my marriage is better when I’m not trying to be good at everything. Try asking for something. Make your need public and watch to see how God provides.

Unplug. No church talk at dinnertime or in bed. Enough said. These are the rules, fools. Follow them and thank me later.

Notice. God has given people in ministry an acute awareness of the needs of others around me and an ability to respond to them. I have to remember that my husband is just as deserving of this awareness.

I could have said yes to Africa and then yes to Thailand, an event that came up a week after the Africa offer. Everything would have been okay, but I would have been saying to my husband (and to my kids) that my plan is more important than our purpose together as a family. I’ll have other opportunities to serve and to give around the world, but I may not have another opportunity to honor my family.

Cheers to honoring our spouses, seeing their needs like we see everyone else’s, unplugging to connect with them, getting help and counsel to help us make honoring decisions, saying no to be able to say yes, and giving space to allow our spouses to be the people they were created to be. Sounds like a plan to me.

Lars Rood

First thing I should say is that I am a bit terrified to write this post because my wife will be reading it. You should ask her to write the rebuttal.

My perspective for answering this question is shaped by the fact that I’ve never done full-time youth ministry without being married. Although I started doing youth ministry at a camp when I first started working part time in the church, I came into it with my girlfriend who then became my fiancée. It wasn’t until we got married that I became a full-time youth pastor. So I’ve never really known youth ministry without Danielle.

That doesn’t always mean I have it figured out, but I think I do have a few things that work.

Never choose between the two. Always plan life before ministry. For example, I plan out my family’s summer before the ministry calendar. That helps my family and my wife know that they will always be the first priority.

Don’t be out every night of the week—or even half of them. Maintain boundaries and recognize that your family is the most important thing you have going. There will be times you have to be out, but be strategic.

Bring your wife and kids with you on trips. Doug Fields talks about this too, and he’s smart. In every situation that I can, I involve my family, and I never feel guilty about it. It’s actually a better model for students to see me with my wife and kids than alone.

Go on vacation. Don’t feel guilty about leaving the ministry behind. I like my wife and family a whole lot. I also like my youth ministry. But, when I go on vacation, I turn off the ministry and try to be fully present with my family. I don’t always do this well because I sometimes go on vacation during busy seasons, but I never feel guilty.

Have date nights. If you are a youth pastor and don’t have regular date nights, you have a problem. You should have a ton of babysitters available. I try to make sure my wife knows she is a priority and that I want to do special things for her.

Turn off your phone and don’t answer work calls when with family. I have a rule that I don’t answer my phone when I’m with my family unless it is really urgent. I don’t do as well with text and Twitter, so this is sometimes tough, but I try not to bring work to wherever my family is.

Be known as a couple, not just as the youth minister. My wife isn’t super involved in the ministry. She thinks (and I agree) that she’d rather be with our kids than the youth ministry now. But we invite students and leaders into our home so they get to know us as a couple.

Be careful what you share about your marriage or wife with others. This should be a no-brainer, but I hear so many people divulge info they shouldn’t in talks or in conversations with others. Keep your marriage sacred and honor your spouse in all venues.

Learn to say no to people who are not your spouse. I learned this early and have always held onto it. My wife knows that I am good at saying no. She appreciates this about me and is aware that I do it because I value our marriage and family.

Learn to say yes to your spouse. Listen, think, listen, think. I always want my wife to know that I will do whatever I possibly can to make sure that her needs are met. If that means a sacrifice, it will likely be the ministry.

I want to end with this. I don’t have it all figured out, and I will never be the person who tries to pretend that he does. Marriage is hard, and being a married youth minister has difficulties too. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I love the opportunities I have to minister in different ways to students and families that come from being married and having kids. God is using it and constantly teaching and growing me to be better at it. And Danielle, if you read this, I love you.

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How far out do you plan your calendar? Why? What's your process?

August 22, 2011 Posted by Mark Oestreicher

Brian Berry

I believe in planning, so I try to plan my basic teaching and event calendar 9-12 months out. I’ll give you three reasons why.

1. It makes recruiting volunteers easier. I can wing it with the best of them and run a meeting or an outreach on the fly. But, while that might be a necessary skill on a mission trip when your bus breaks down or the teacher gets sick, my experience says it’s a lousy way to run a day-to-day ministry and a great way to burn out volunteers. When I wing it in my everyday ministry life, it usually becomes all about me. My volunteers quickly start feeling used instead of utilized. When I fail to plan ahead, I don’t know what I need and can’t effectively ask others to help, or when I do ask, I have to apologize for the last-minute emergency.

2. It saves money. We do a lot of ministry purchasing and ordering online. So if we need an earth ball or a bunch of water balloons or books for a small-group teaching series and I don’t want to run around town to fifty places to get the quantity I need, I simply order them and have them sent. But a huge budget killer is paying to have everything rush shipped. When I plan ahead, I can have someone search for the best deal, find it on sale, and pay for the minimum shipping or accept the free shipping without having to stress that it won’t be here on time. And if you’ve ever tried to book a speaker, artist, band, retreat center, airline ticket, or hotel last minute, then you know it’s not only more stressful and difficult to do, it often costs more too.

3. It increases creativity and ownership. My experience says that both of those things take time. If I want creativity to be a team task and I want to pool the best ideas from my team, then I have to gather people together far enough out to give input. When I do this, they also feel like it’s their thing, not just my thing. When we talk about outreach or basic ideas for a teaching series, planning gives a lot more time for input and increases the creativity of what we can do because we now have the time to plan the skit, create the design, gather the people, or prepare something to be really well done with a wide level of involvement.

Annually, in the early summer, I have my student and adult leaders gather for a couple of days of basic skeleton calendaring for the next school year. We spend some time in prayer, and we talk about our mission and why we do what we do. We eat and laugh and share visions. Before they arrive I take a huge whiteboard calendar and mark when school is out, when holidays are, and large, nonnegotiable things, like the annual summer camp we go to or church-wide functions. Then we look at the space that is left and start talking about our dreams. We talk about details like when small groups should start, what other retreats or events we want to do, and some main topics, themes, Bible texts, and teaching ideas we want to cover in the next year. Since we teach in series form, I then begin to then lay out a rough sketch of teaching series, and we start putting them down on our weekends.

Quarterly, I gather some key people to talk about what is coming up. We gather several months before major seasons like the fall kick-off for school, Christmas, spring break, and summer. These meetings are less about overall vision and begin to move into the nuts and bolts of design. We start making lists of things that need to be done, thinking of people we could ask to help, and dreaming about what we’re planning and what it really looks like.

Monthly, I meet with my student leadership, and we plan out the next month’s youth group meetings. We meet after church and over lunch, and we brainstorm the next month based on our previous nine-month plan and any changes we now have to make. We talk themes, pop-culture references, relevant songs or movie clips, brainstorm games and discussion questions, and evaluate and identify anything we learned from the previous month of doing ministry together too.

Josh Griffin

I love Google Maps. When you load the homepage, the default view is zoomed way out, showing you the whole United States. Type in an address and it zooms in quickly to show you a specific region. Click “street view” and BAM! you’re looking at things as if you were literally walking through the neighborhood on foot. Kinda creepy, since this means Google is stalking us, but kinda awesome at the same time. And a great example of how we typically plan our youth ministry calendar.

We first take a look at the big picture of our ministry then zoom in on the season ahead and finally get a street view all the way down to the current teaching series and events.

It is a wise idea to get away for the day and get a big picture of your ministry. Take a break from the pace of ministry and the distractions of email, voicemail, and the persistent nagging of Google Plus and wrestle with an overview of your youth group. August is the perfect time for this!

For some, this is a simple task because they live in the world of ideas and vision. For others, it will be challenging to stick your head up over it all and get a glimpse of the whole.

Key questions to ask yourself at this big-picture stage:

Where do you think God wants to take students in the next year?
What worked well last year, and will it work again?
What annual events would be effective again this year?
What needs to get the ax?
Have you blocked out your week of vacation?
Where are we strong, and where are we weak?
Is there a good balance of God’s eternal purposes for our ministry (evangelism, fellowship, discipleship, ministry, worship)?

Paint in broad strokes what your youth ministry year will look like at this point. Spend lots of time in prayer. Ask God for discernment. Use pencil.

Once you’ve got an idea of the big picture, it is time to specially plan the next season. There are lots of ways you can do this. I like to divide the year into three unequal parts: fall, winter-spring, and summer. This is the time to start to really firm up specific teaching topics, series, and events. You probably already locked up some bigger things like summer camp, trips, and retreat locations, but now is the time to make final decisions.

Key questions to ask yourself at this stage:

What needs to be cut?
Am I keeping this program to satisfy a parent or some vocal students or because it is what is best for our ministry?
Where do I have momentum naturally, and where is it lacking?
What are the teaching topics for this season?
Who is the best person to teach?
Has my spouse seen this before I go public?

What looked good in the big-picture view might be too much now that you’re zoomed in a bit closer. You are still flexible enough to use the eraser if needed but definitely not on your vacation time.

The closest we zoom in for planning is the current month. You’ve planned everything from a year out, you firmed up much of those plans in your season overview, now it is time to lock everything down and walk into what you’ve planned.

Key questions to ask yourself at this stage:

What adjustments do I need to make based on circumstances that have come up since we planned the year/season?
Am I balanced and healthy with this calendar?
What can we do to make our youth ministry even better next year?

I’m in the thick of planning our spring right now! May God bless you as you serve students and plan your youth ministry calendar too.

Some tools to consider helping you plan your youth ministry calendar: o www.rememberthemilk.com o www.30boxes.com o www.whomi.com o www.franklincovey.com/tc/software-and-applications

Also, please consider these related posts on my blog:

5 Steps to Calendar on Purpose

4 Guiding Principles for Planning Your Youth Ministry Calendar

Lars Rood

I’m a big planner and enjoy strategizing just how to maximize our time and ensure that the most students, families, volunteers, and leaders will be impacted. In general, we try to plan all of our big events, retreats, missions, and activities at least one year out. This is especially true about our summer calendar.

I try to involve as many people as possible in our planning process, so it’s helpful for me to roll out preliminary ideas early so I can run them by parents, volunteers, students, and other staff to see what we are missing.

In this particular community we’ve found that moms are a huge resource in picking out possible conflicts.

When we get this many people involved in our planning process, the calendar stops being my calendar and instead becomes their calendar.

I also try to out-plan parents. If I can get the dates for our events on their radar a minimum of one year out, then they can plan around our schedule. This is particularly important because, in my current community, people tend to disappear for the entire summer months. But, if we let them know the dates for our mission trips and camps, they more often than not adjust their calendars so their students can go.

Long-range preplanning actually helps us be more flexible. When we publish dates a year in advance, occasionally something comes up that we need to change. People in general are much happier when we make changes six months out rather than the week of. Last summer, we planned a houseboat trip with our high school students. Ten months out, I started asking parents what they thought and got a little pushback on the safety of the proposed location. We immediately made a switch, and the trip was a huge success. Because we planned so far out, we weren’t locked into locations and contracts and could be flexible to make changes.

My process of thinking involves a lot of people and dialogue. It’s way more than just grabbing clip art and making copies of a calendar. In the beginning, I spend a lot of time evaluating what we did in the past. We talk about impact, timing, dates, and cost. We try to make sure we always have a good sense of how something met our philosophy of ministry.

At that point, if everything lined up, we start talking about whether we want to do the same trip, activity, or event again. I’m a huge proponent of repetition because it is often our best advertising. I also like change, but in general, we first look to see what has worked before we start talking about what we want to change. This is also the stage where we pray a ton, asking God to lead.

Then we then start having dialogue about all the possibilities, followed by a process in which I write it all out and start looking for conflicts. I think about presence and impact when I do this. Specifically, I look to see how everyone will be impacted by our calendar. I look at the frequency and number of events. I evaluate the downtime between events as well as the prep time needed to pull something off well. It’s a system aimed at making sure all we do has huge impact but doesn’t burn anyone out.

The next step is when we finally talk budgets and money. We purposely wait ’til near the end because talking about budgets and money too early can be a killer to the dreaming process. I want us to dream big first without thinking there will hindrances.

Then it’s time to bring everyone into the loop. This often takes the most amount of time and can be frustrating because I have to explain the reasons behind everything we are doing. After everyone has weighed in and we’ve gotten most people to consent to the calendar, we try to get our communications ministry to get all of our packages for the events done as soon as possible. We have found that planning way out and then promoting way out produces the most success.

I’ve had a bunch of bombs over the years and have had many things not go well. But I’ve learned that spending a lot of time thinking, dreaming, and praying is most beneficial because it gets more people involved. If I could stress one thing above everything else here, I would say that more people involved will only benefit your calendar.

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