How many times did someone walk into the youth facility and see me playing some sort of game or immediately start shooting at them with a Nerf gun? How many times did I communicate poorly, get back from a trip late, and drive the church van through a huge puddle or over a dead dog in Mexico? The answer to those questions is a lot, but that was part of my job, right?

I’m a huge fan of doing things that are fun and helping shape memories. I think, as a whole, I did a pretty good job with all of that, and I regret few things I ever did (except driving over that dog). But I also know that, had I been slightly more aware of people’s perceptions of me and how I could have a greater impact if I came across a bit more professionally, I would have changed a lot.

For example, on Tuesdays each week at my current church, we have an all-church-staff chapel. In the life of our staff, this is a pretty important meeting because it’s usually the only time we ever all get together. I make sure on Tuesdays that I do three things. 1. I get there early. One of the major problems with youth workers is that there is a general perception that we always fly by the seat of our pants. Since my church staff members only see me in this type of setting one time a week, I want their perception to be that I am punctual. 2. I sit near the front. This sounds silly, but in general, I think most people expect the youth workers to sit in the back (after sneaking in late) and text during the whole meeting. Sitting near the front shows people that I am engaged. 3. I dress appropriately. Since this is the only time most people see me during the week, I try not to give the perception that flip flops, shorts, and a t-shirt is my everyday attire.

Here are a couple other ways you can gain credibility in your own church:

Be consistent. This is especially important if you are younger because oftentimes the church expects you to be scatterbrained and hit or miss in your leadership style. Make every effort to maintain a solid demeanor, appearance, and attitude in all situations.

Promote expertise. Notice I don’t say be the expert. We need to expose our congregations to good research, practices, and ideas. But we don’t need to be the experts ourselves. Just know what books, speakers, and resources to let people know about. Be the conduit for good information and expertise in youth ministry. Your credibility will jump if people know you will either be able to answer a question or refer them to a source that can help.

Define your role. If you allow others to define your role and pigeonhole you, you will have difficulty overcoming their perceptions about what you do and how much you have to offer. For example, most of us were hired as youth pastors. But the reality is that a big part of our job is ministering to the family as well. Make sure to shape and define your role in a way that gives people a broader perspective of what it is you do. Then, when they have a family question, you might actually be asked what you think.

Communicate well and often. Parents are busy and don’t always read email. If you want them to know something important, you are going to have to reach them in multiple ways. A quick, two-sentence email about a major change sent at 11:59 p.m. the night before a trip isn’t a good way to get parents to think you know what you are doing.

Spend time interacting with the whole church. Early in my ministry, I got in trouble for being a “blur in the parking lot.” What I mean by this is that my goal was to get from point A to point B as quickly as possible with as few interactions as possible along the way. If it was a student I stopped to talk, but if it was an adult, I moved quickly. If you want to gain credibility in the church, you have to spend time with the church.

There’s obviously a ton more that could be said about gaining credibility. I’m grateful that there are two other columns here. My thoughts may be overly simple, but I can only speak from my own experience.

Aristotle argues there are three components of ethos: intelligence (mental habits); virtue (moral habits); good will (emotional habits).

Intelligence. What the older generation wants to know is that the young youth worker is competent. Essentially, do young leaders have the knowledge to figure out how to lead a youth ministry theologically and practically? How to gain intelligence?

Read. This is how I delegate my reading: 70% Christian (Bible, commentaries, theology books, ministry blogs) and 30% secular (adolescent research, New York Times, leadership resources). I also love reading biographies about the dead guys. There is so much to be learned from the guys who went before us.

Listen. Shut your mouth and listen. Listen and learn from other perspectives before giving your two cents. Spend time with others in your community who are way smarter than you and ask them questions about their success.

Education. I think it is huge if youth pastors are seminary trained and have a four-year degree in business. A business degree teaches you how to manage people, and a seminary education will teach you how to think theologically. If your church is willing to pay for an education, do it.

Go to conferences. Youth ministry conferences will teach you the how-to’s and force you to be around experienced and educated youth pastors.

Virtue. The older generation wants to know if you have a strong moral compass in order to make it in ministry without burning or flaking out. One of the top reasons youth pastors don’t make it is moral failure. Character is everything. Character includes such things as self-discipline, modesty, teamwork, integrity, purity, work ethic, loyalty, honesty, courage, tenacity, intelligence, consideration for others, and determination.

Study Scripture on character. Let Scripture transform your character. Be patient, humble, and respectful toward authority (Matthew 25, Luke 8, 2 Corinthians 5, Ephesians 4, and 2 Corinthians 4).

Find older leaders to mentor you. The goal is to illustrate the Paul and young Timothy relationship (1 Timothy 4:12). Ask older and wiser adults to speak into your life. Surround yourself with older adults who have successfully managed work, health, marriage, raising kids, money, and ministry.

Good Will. Having good will means having a good work ethic. The older generation believes high productivity is associated with credibility. The goal is to be known as the church staff member who will always get it done and is trustworthy. Suggestions on how to demonstrate a great work ethic:

Work really hard, especially in the small and insignificant tasks.
Show up early.
Return every phone call and email.
Get excited and think positive when you work.
Set deadlines.
Volunteer for the tough assignments no one else wants.
Every day write down the top three to four tasks you need to get done that day.
Don’t multi-task. Multi-tasking increases your chances of losing focus.

Gaining credibility in the church takes time. Don’t feel discouraged when you are criticized for being young, idealistic, inexperienced, or passionate. Aristotle knew what he was talking about. Therefore, I encourage you to consider adopting Aristotle’s approach.

My first year in youth ministry I learned how to quickly lose credibility in my church:

Misplace the worship leader’s ten-year-old daughter at Disney World. Voice frustrations about leadership with other leadership. Try to fix things myself (FYI: Breaking down on the side of a busy interstate with a van full of teenagers always requires a call back to the church and professional help.). Be exclusively available to the youth ministry.

Looking back, I wish someone had been there to tell me how to own my ministry without disowning the church. There is no price tag on wisdom gained through experience. And my experience tells me, if I want credibility in my church, I’ve got to do a few things (there are others, but here are the few that come to mind first):

Display consistency in my walk with Christ both in and outside the church (over time). Model spiritual formation by developing habits of a growing Christian (over time). Respect leadership, even when I disagree, by communicating in healthy and loving ways (over time). Realize mistakes I make and do what it takes to make them right (over time). Include others by sharing ministry and training others in their gifts (over time). Let honesty be the rule, always choosing the truth over white lies or manipulation (over time). Take responsibility for my work by doing what I said I would do (over time). Help others with their work, doing whatever it takes to further the mission with the gifts I have to share. Seek forgiveness when wrong (each time). Let go of the chip. Whatever past hurt keeps me from focusing on the present needs to be given to God (each time). Lead well from the middle, getting rid of jealousy or feelings of competition, striving to contribute for the sake of the kingdom and for those who are lost. Be seen serving and loving people, in my everyday life. The temptation is to hide because of the social demands of ministry, but the body needs our example, and we need to be seen. My life speaks louder than my all of my words, tweets, and updates combined.

Notice the common denominator in all of these things: time.

For too long I jumped around, waiting for the perfect scenario to do ministry when, all along, the perfect scenario could be found as I remained in imperfect community, with humility, seeking to serve and share the gifts I’ve received with others. When I came to my current assignment, the word God gave me was remain. Remaining somewhere gives a person a track record that can be telling.
“I can trust you.”
“I’ve seen you weather storms.”
“I know you won’t lose track of my kids… Okay, you’ll probably lose track of my kids! But I know you’ve trained and equipped enough leaders that someone will notice quickly and you’ll have a plan.”
“I know when you tell me something, it’s the truth.”
“I know if I’m being corrected it’s because you love me, just like you’ve loved so many before me.”

If you want credibility, stay somewhere long enough for people to give it to you.

That isn't to say we've forgotten what we did. We hosted some sharing, singing, and communion; simple. So simple, in fact, that we thought we could get the same results if we just did the same thing. Wrong. The sum of what we've learned is that the Spirit is always moving, but we can't make it do so. That's the way the Holy Spirit shows up in our ministry. Whenever it wants to.

Fortunately for us, it wants to a lot. Theologically, the Spirit is with us all the time. Any sort of healing, any sort of spiritual discovery, any sort of trust in Jesus is all the work of the Spirit. That means that so much of what is expected of us as pastors—so much of our job descriptions—is actually out of our control.

The desire to see students find life in Jesus is a healthy one, and it's essential in ministry. Unfortunately it can easily mutate into an unhealthy drive toward spiritual alchemy. Alchemists of yesteryear tried to take ordinary materials and convert them into gold. As pastors, we can tend toward the same thing. If only we can get the candles and songs and meditative videos just right, maybe, just maybe, the cloud that filled the temple will descend on our youth center. But that's not how it works.

A powerful visitation by the Spirit is not a dish for which we can just follow the recipe. God's Spirit shows up when we least expect it. A girl accepts Christ and leads her parents to do the same. Down the street, a couple decides not to divorce. A boy decides to give up speaking for Lent, to learn when to speak and when to listen. Real stories.

We can't make the Spirit move, and to focus on that is to focus on the wrong thing. Pagans both ancient and modern believe in divine beings that were largely sedentary and had to be wooed into action. Praise God, it's not that way for us. We have a Spirit in motion. And if the Spirit in motion is our point of departure, our task is no longer to conjure it but rather to clear the way.

We do this by training our leaders and students to understand the basics of pneumatology: What is the Holy Spirit, what is its role, what does it do? We teach spiritual disciplines like fasting, silence, meditation, lectio divina, and listening prayer. We create a leadership culture that allows us to check our plans and voice contrary opinions, lest our program leave no margin for the Spirit to work. After all, God will always pursue us but will not force his way onto us.

The overall metaphor is the second of the three seed parables in Mark 4. At the end of the day, the sower doesn't know how his seed will sprout and grow. She or he must leave it up to the sun and rain and soil. The kingdom of God is the same way. There is some seed scattering and soil tilling we can do, like preparing spaces and hearts for divine encounter, but we then must move out of the way and let God be in charge of growth and fruition. We can trust that when we allow God space to work, he does.

After scoring a lot of points on the basketball court (for the other team), I sank my heart into a Victoria’s Secret catalog and dreamed that I’d be on those pages someday. For all the wrong reasons, I truly wanted that.

If it weren’t for the Spirit’s gentle and convincing work in my life, chances are I wouldn’t have ditched this empty dream for a full one that has led me here, to the most fulfilling life I could live—modeling to a different crowd, and for different reasons.

The Holy Spirit helped me see how my life could be transformed through a conduit of trust. The Spirit knew what I needed when I needed it—and gave those things to me. The Holy Spirit led me into youth ministry. So, this part of God—the part that walks beside me and lives in me—is the same part that fuels the vision, mission, values, and practices of a ministry for and with teenagers.

The Holy Spirit is my counselor. Jesus said he would give us “another counselor” (John 14:6), and he has done that for me. As I serve the church, my Counselor helps me with everything from the smallest decision to the really big ones. My Counselor helps me live my life in his life. I need a clean heart to be able to see where there is jealousy, anger, and unloving attitudes. There is a rigorous replacement happening, my will for his. And when I’m stubborn and stall, I’m comforted to know that I’m still not alone or abandoned in the process.

We need the presence of the Holy Spirit to help us ditch plans sometimes and go with God, in our plans, in our relationships, in how we carry out youth ministry in our communities.

The Holy Spirit is the power (Acts 1:8, Luke 24:29). When the Spirit is given space to purify my heart, to perfect love in me, I have power in ministry. I’m able to lead and speak with confidence, even in my weakness because his power is made perfect in those moments. There is always the temptation to be all about me, to worry only for my own comfort, goals, and ideas. But the Holy Spirit guides me to surrender selfishness for a genuine awareness of others. I can’t do it on my own. I don’t have enough light in me to be what I need to be, but the Holy Spirit is able to do this.

The Holy Spirit is the presence of God in me (1 John 3:24). It’s what happens at the altar at camp. It’s what happens in our conversation at Chick-Fil-A. The presence of God fills our smiles, our high fives, and our hugs for those with tears. The Holy Spirit is the presence of God in my sermon writing, the check in my gut that says, Now is the time to talk about… or, Maybe you should go in another direction.

We try to look for the Holy Spirit at work in our students as well. We can overlook sometimes the fact that God dwells in them, just as he dwells in us. The Holy Spirit worked in one of my students’ lives to raise more than $26,000 in one year for clean water in Africa. This is the echo of the Kingdom as we collectively listen.

We make it known to our students and leaders that the Holy Spirit is given a free pass to roam the halls and rooms of our ministries and our hearts. My prayer is that the kingdom of God would be larger for our willingness to be filled, that youth ministries would receive power as their leaders receive it, and that we would live in grateful and prayerful response for the gift of the Spirit.

My last year at Youth Specialties and the pressure I felt to perform were particularly soul deadening for me. By the time I got laid off, I was close to burnout—both professionally and spiritually. But in the two or three months that followed, I experienced a gorgeous re-awakening of my soul. I felt God’s presence for the first time in a long time. My prayer life rekindled, and I started to hear God speaking, nudging, consoling. I knew this was the Holy Spirit, who had never left, of course. Instead, my spiritual eyes were merely opening to the Spirit’s presence.

This ramped up when I launched the Youth Ministry Coaching Program. When my cohorts were in times of personal sharing, I started sensing the Holy Spirit giving me insight that was beyond me, and I even started receiving what could only be called words of truth to be offered to others. I entered into the exercise of this with open hands—not grasping it or claiming it or arrogantly confident about whatever I might think I should say. But I was amazed, over and over again (as I have continued to be over the last eighteen months) that what I was hearing—from the Holy Spirit—was usually accurate. One of the most powerful of these was a time when I had a strong sense that another person in the sharing circle had a word from God for the person talking. Sure enough, when I called that out, the words spoken had a profoundly holy and truthy beauty to them, and we all knew we were on holy ground.

This has changed both my regular, everyday experience of God as well as my youth ministry practice. When I’m leading my middle-school-guys small group, for example, I’m trying to choose (and it is a choice, by the way) to simultaneously listen to my guys and to the Holy Spirit. One of the surprise benefits to me, in a youth ministry setting, is that I feel unburdened and free. That’s because I’m not carrying the absurd responsibility of being smart or insightful enough to know what to say.

This personal awakening and shift in my practice has also shaped my thinking about youth ministry and church leadership. If you ever hear me talk about Youth Ministry 3.0 stuff these days, I hope you hear the difference from what I wrote about in that book. When I wrote that book, about four years ago now, I was not operating with this mindset or experience, and most of my suggestions only tip a hat to the role of the Holy Spirit. But these days, I’m convinced that great youth workers (and great church leaders) need to recover the art of collaborative discernment. Great youth ministry takes all different forms because it has to be contextual. But the path to a wonderfully contextualized youth ministry is not merely an effort of assessment and study. In fact, it is first and foremost an exercise of listening (and I believe that listening needs to be practiced in community, which is why I am passionate about collaborative discernment).

Yes, we need to do assessments and learn about the community we do ministry in; yes, we need to read and study and observe. But more important than all of that is the intentional act of gathering a small group of spiritually minded people to actively listen to the Holy Spirit. Ask, What teenagers have you placed in our midst? (No, just observing them is not enough.) Listen. Ask, What teenagers are you calling us to in our community? Listen. Ask, What would a culturally and contextually appropriate approach be to reach those teenagers? Listen.

Bottom line #1: Without a sense of the Holy Spirit’s role in your life, you will always be limited in your own spiritual growth and practice and, therefore, in your youth ministry efforts. Bottom line #2: A youth ministry that’s not informed by active and intentional listening to the Holy Spirit will miss out on who God is calling it to be.

We could probably make a long list of reasons for this tension, discussing the demands of the church, the difficulty of separating work and home life when your calling as a pastor is a 24/7 reality, the needs of people, etc. But, regardless of the reason, if you want to stay in ministry and stay married to your spouse, then my observation and experience tell me it will require intentionality.

Here are five things we’ve tried to do as a married couple that I think have been strategically helpful. Sometimes we’re better at these than others.

Remember, God called me to marriage. Bear with me here. This one is more philosophical than practical at first. The idea that God called me to be a pastor is both true and needed to keep my butt in my pastoral seat. Honestly, without a call, I would have left a long time ago. But it is equally true that God has called me to be married. Maybe that call is what keeps my butt there too in the tough times. The two callings are inseparable. So it is logistically impossible for me to say “God has called me to” anymore. It is always, “God is calling us.” I don’t mean that your spouse must work with you in your youth ministry. I just mean that the idea that God can move me without any kind of effect on my bride is simply false. So, if you’re married, calling has we implications and must be fleshed out in the community of your marriage first. This is a mental shift that says, I’ll wait for God to confirm a call in us I’ll think we before me, and I’ll make my spouse a priority in my decision-making process. The next point is a practical way to flesh this out.

Give first right of refusal to your spouse. If you want to honor your spouse, then run your calendar and commitments by him or her first. Don’t assume that he or she “understands” or will be supportive of your ridiculous work schedule. Sometimes it means agreeing together that a season is going to be abnormally busy right before a camp or something, and you can prepare together accordingly. Maybe it means deciding that we’re booking too many nights out or deciding that a specific weekend needs to be spent with family instead of with the church. Yes, it’s a two-way conversation, but clear communication saves a world of hurt in marriage, especially when it comes to scheduling. If my wife feels like she’s part of the process of making the decisions, she’s much more supportive when the strain of them is felt. As a side note, sharing a calendar that we can both access on our computers and phones has done two things. [1] It’s made our schedules visible to each other at all times. [2] It’s produced a myth that, since we can see it, we’ve talked about it. In some ways, the fact that we can both see each other’s calendars has increased the need to communicate verbally so no false assumptions are made.

Get away. Just the two of you. Perhaps the single greatest investment we’ve made in our marriage has been twice-a-year retreats. We get away for three days and two nights twice a year, without the kids. A getaway weekend is worth its weight in gold for marriage longevity. Get cost creative if you need to. Just get away.

Stop multi-tasking and unplug. When we’re at our marriage best is when we turn off our cell phones, shut down our computers, and give each other our undivided attention. The idea that we can do marriage well with the digital world constantly interrupting us has become increasingly difficult for us. Our best shot at a healthy marriage is giving our marriage all of ourselves intentionally.

Be best friends, not ministry problem solvers. I trust your spouse is someone you’d call a best friend. The temptation is to then bring your best friend into the loop on your ministry problems. If this becomes your norm, don’t be surprised to find that your marriage has become consumed with ministry tasks. Instead of talking about your heart or planning a vacation, your marriage conversations become mini church-staff meetings. Be very careful. This has destroyed many a marriage. I recommend you have a longer church-staff meeting before turning your dinner table into another one.

So I said no, even though everything in me wanted to say yes. It wasn’t easy, but I knew I needed to make this decision with my husband in mind.

By nature, I’m a juggler, and I feel like I can throw everything into the air and catch it too. In fact, I can’t imagine my life any other way. But I’d have nothing if I lost my most important relationship on earth while trying to catch a few inconsequential items as they compare to the most important things.

And because of this juggling nature, (which I believe is not uncommon for ministry leaders, many who are bi-vocational) I’ve got to follow some rules that lead me to honor my marriage, even when I’m tempted to neglect it.

I’m still discovering new ways of honoring my spouse while working in ministry. New contexts and changes we face give plenty of space for this. Even so, there are a few fail-safe ways to honor my spouse.

Give space. I give space by not volunteering my spouse out. For example, have you ever uttered the words in a staff meeting where they are looking for someone to help in an area where your spouse has obvious gifts, “Oh yeah, my spouse can do that!” Always have a conversation (in private—even if that means sending a text or making a quick call) before you volunteer your most valuable person.

Gather advisors on major ministry and professional decisions. Even if I know the answer to a question, if it’s major, I take it to my T.E.A.M. (Trusted leader, Elder, Always faithful (a close friend), and My spouse). The Africa trip is a great example of this. I was conflicted. I knew the right answer was no, but I wanted to say yes. My TEAM affirmed what was happening in my spirit and supported me in making the honoring choice.

Say no—for the right reasons. Develop healthy boundaries with those you work with. Set expectations that are clear and have been explained. For example, I don’t answer my cell phone during dinner time. I have roughly three hours with my children before they go to bed. I dishonor my spouse if I don’t invest in those hours with my full attention. Sometimes things come up, but they are the exception, not the rule. I try not to overcommit. We are human. If we hyper-schedule ourselves, we’ll find our lives to be frantic, frenzied, and full of confusion. Honor your spouse by saying no. It’s okay.

Get help. One of the biggest blessings has been having the support of a professional design company. The owner of the company attends our church. When asked, she was more than willing to give her time and help. Not only has her company graciously supported us, they have taken visual communication to another level. We have a teenager in our church who started a nonprofit to raise money for clean water. The design company was the first to offer help and support their marketing pieces. For an entire year, they’ve given their creative services to help Birds of Hope raise more than $25,000. I would have jeopardized time with my family if I tried to do this on my own—and the products wouldn’t be half as good. I ask for help with things like this because my marriage is better when I’m not trying to be good at everything. Try asking for something. Make your need public and watch to see how God provides.

Unplug. No church talk at dinnertime or in bed. Enough said. These are the rules, fools. Follow them and thank me later.

Notice. God has given people in ministry an acute awareness of the needs of others around me and an ability to respond to them. I have to remember that my husband is just as deserving of this awareness.

I could have said yes to Africa and then yes to Thailand, an event that came up a week after the Africa offer. Everything would have been okay, but I would have been saying to my husband (and to my kids) that my plan is more important than our purpose together as a family. I’ll have other opportunities to serve and to give around the world, but I may not have another opportunity to honor my family.

Cheers to honoring our spouses, seeing their needs like we see everyone else’s, unplugging to connect with them, getting help and counsel to help us make honoring decisions, saying no to be able to say yes, and giving space to allow our spouses to be the people they were created to be. Sounds like a plan to me.

King David knew that our souls need quieting. Psalm 131 is one of my favorite passages of Scripture, and I remember it when I’ve wandered from the well of rest that God offers to us all.

…I have stilled and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me…

For me, practical ways to find solitude and rest need to be planned out long term, short term, and daily.

Life gives us seasons of rest, and we can expect lulls where we can come up for air. However, if we don’t plan, we may find ourselves caught in the riptide of life and unable to swim in to shore for a much-needed breath of air and replenishing of our strength.

Here’s what I try to do:

Plan long-term rest. My husband and I plan at least two weeks a year to go somewhere to completely unplug. It doesn’t have to be pricy; it can be anywhere at all, as long as we are somewhere away from phones, email, networking, and multi-tasking. We’ve found that planning to vacation in areas where there is no cell phone reception keeps us accountable, and we are truly able to get to a point of healthy detachment from the busy lives we lead. Underneath, we find our essence, the very thing that keeps us going, the heart of Christ becomes clearer in us, joy returns. It’s a wonderful place, and I look forward to this time during the busy seasons. Knowing I’ll get this vacation keeps me focused and hopeful when I begin to feel drained.

Plan short-term rest. I plan a day or a half day every week for this. I do something outside, avoid tweeting, updating, or talking too much. Tell your co-workers when this time is scheduled for you and ask them to honor it. Rest can mean focused prayer. Rest can mean a great nap. Rest can mean some much-needed time with your spouse. Something I always loved about Mike Yaconelli at National Youth Workers Convention was when he would say, “Some of you, instead of attending another seminar, need to lock yourselves in your rooms and don’t come out until Sunday.” He couldn’t have been more right. While there were probably quite a few NYWC babies that resulted from that approach, the other byproduct was rested and content youth workers who are able to lead out of strength, not out of emptiness.

Plan daily withdrawal. Every day. Exit the grind a couple of times a day. Withdraw to recharge. Pray. Play basketball at lunch. Take a walk around your building. Drive to get a snow cone. Change it up and find rest for your soul. When you exercise, you can’t have a conversation with more than one person, you can’t dial a phone, you can’t answer one (technically you can, but you shouldn’t unless you want that iPhone to be a cracked phone). Find a few ten-minute periods when you can read Scripture, be in nature, move around, and listen to the Spirit of God moving in your life.

I don’t have this figured out, but what I do know is that rest and solitude are essential. My life has never been busier, and I’ve never had more opportunity for emotional and physical breakdown. However, this one thing has helped me to recover and recover well.

You can read some other blogs I’ve written on the same subject.

Rest: We all need it.
The Best Four-Lettered Word for Your Ministry.

The questions are: Why aren’t you resting? ● What’s keeping you from it? ● Where is solitude found in your life? ● In the car, on a retreat, in focused prayer?

Wherever you find rest and solitude, go there often. You’ll be so glad you did.

Four years ago, a good ministry friend had just returned from a six-month retreat after retiring from eighteen years in ministry at our church. She offered me her unneeded block of time at a Christian retreat center. She apparently thought (and my wife concurred) that I would benefit from being silent for a few days, alone, by myself. Not wanting to seem like a scaredy cat, I took her up on the offer.

I checked in, I ate dinner, lay down at 7pm, passed out, and woke up fourteen hours later. I didn’t even know I was tired. After a day there, alone in a cabin, just me and God, I knew that I was going to need more than the two nights and stayed for three. This was honestly one of the most challenging things I have ever done. No schedule, no agenda, no something to have to get to next, no phone, computer, and then no watch. Just me and all my thoughts.

I read a lot, walked outside in the woods, sat in a sweet rocking chair, answered some questions from my friend Carma like, What is your relationship with yourself?, wrote some thoughts, read my Bible, walked some more. I discovered that my busyness was convenient in helping me avoid deep life stuff, that it supported the perception that I was in control, and that stopping required me to trust—trust I could handle silence, would catch fresh air as I dug deeper than ever before, and that God would want to hold me in his arms smelling the way I did spiritually.

I have been back every December since then. Intentional silence in solitude has become my rest, even if just once a year. I crave it, long for it, am filled by it, and see the amazing fruit from it for the rest of the year. I have coughed up spiritual hairballs, found out I was rebellious because of insecurity (which also explained why I got fired from my youth ministry job), forgave my mom, overcame the lies that made me fear being a father to my son, finally discovered that I have never really feared God, and have seen him give me that fear and awe I asked for.

After my five-day, four-night stay this last year, I received a love of God’s Word that has continued in me, making me hungry for it like never before. After forty-one years on this earth, God’s Word is working in me and changing my heart and making me want him like never before. My time away is not a perfect lifestyle of rest and solitude, but it is working for me and giving me the heart change to seek after rest more and push me further away from my dependence on my busy rhythm to sin and angling my leaning in to the one who requires my trust, fear, and dependence.

Satan does a good job at convincing us that what we hear about moving is truth i) I will get it later. ii) I don’t need rest. iii) If I rest, I won’t do what I need to do. iv) People will think I don’t care, am selfish, or am not a team player.

But it turns out they are lies. Mark 2:27 says that God created Sabbath and rest for us; that slowing down was modeled for us in creation (Genesis 2:1-3). Think about it: Did God really need to rest? Yet he commands us to stop and rest. Jesus modeled it as he felt the energy drain from him as he spent time with people (Mark 5:27-30). Just an FYI: Ministry is tiring. Mark 1:32-37 tells us that he left some healing undone to go and find rest and be still in the presence of his Father.

He couldn’t serve us unless he refueled daily with his Father. Couldn’t find direction until listening to God’s voice and will (John 8:28-29). And couldn’t serve us if he didn’t remain obedient to his Father by being still and knowing who was God.

The psalmist tells us: “Be still, and know that I am God.” Notice the order? Stillness followed by the knowledge that he is God. We often fear what we will discover in the silence. God says that he is there if we only submit and rest in him.

Isaiah 58:9-14. He wants us to cry out for him so he can answer.

I’ve started to think about it like training. It begins with understanding how solitude and rest help me be more productive and healthier, even when it seems to be an interruption to the schedule. Learning to have a long-term view of what’s going on with my work, my body, my mind, my spirit, and my community as well as a sense of self-awareness around how I function best and fine-tuning my recovery as well as I fine-tune my workouts. This way, I make solitude and rest a priority, and eventually I see the benefits in my output and attitude toward life!

First, identify the challenges to good solitude and rest:

Being an extrovert. I’ve learned that in order to be truly focused and productive with my time, I need people, even when I’m resting. Sometimes my best moments of rest and solitude have happened in a busy coffee shop, with my journal open or a good book.

Watching the clock. When my to-do list gets out of control, the last thing it feels like I should do is take time out. But my stress hormones and mind start to treadmill too fast for me to keep up and send me to panic mode if I don’t take space to breathe and form a plan to attack that mounting pressure.

Expectations need to be managed. The people pleaser in me rushes to the surface when an unrealistic deadline or expectation is placed on me. (Trust me, I never create unrealistic expectations for myself ;-), right?) We have to learn to practically address what robs us of rest and healthy functioning. In the first year of my internship, I was asked to do 6-10 hours but did nearly 20 hours every week to meet the unspoken expectations. Setting a healthy pace for myself also results in a healthy pace for my ministry, my volunteers, and my students.

Then, I need to make the most of the rest breaks. I find my creativity is at a high in the morning as much as I like to reflect on the day before as sleep brings perspective and insight. First I like to clear the decks, making lists of all the compartments, any practical solutions or actions I need to take to problem solve or move a project forward. Once my head is clear, then taking a walk. Either leaving the phone behind or turning it off helps. Energizing my creativity benefits my whole day.

Like I said, often the biggest obstacle I face is myself. Learning not to feel guilty about not taking a call or not booking a last-minute meeting in time I’ve set aside. I use daily ritual to measure my time. I start the day in a local café, I hit the gym at a certain time each afternoon. I guard those times fervently because they are valuable headspace.

I’ve learned I sometimes suffer from FOMO: fear of missing out. However, like most fears, it just needs to be faced. Missing the odd social outing actually isn’t the end of the world! The benefit is learning that I actually quite enjoy my own company at times. Sometimes a struggle with solitude is that we don’t really know the person we’re spending all that time with. We know ourselves at work, at church, with family, and with friends, but learning how to spend time with yourself is like any relationship. Quality time is the only way to get through that awkward stage! Think about it like taking yourself on first, second, and third date. By the time you get to double digits, you’ll have a much better idea what’s going on.

As a single person, I’ve sometimes felt the time demands and pressure double. While other ministers have families and commitments that keep them at home, sometimes people feel your time doesn’t have as many restraints. Push back gently on this. I don’t go home to share the burdens of my day with anyone; that part’s all on me!

I’ve often said that good structure allows for spontaneity. The truth is, keeping small and regular breaks for solitude and rest in my days and weeks means that I’m rarely at a deficit now.