What do you do when you're discouraged?

Fixate on him. This is my default response to discouragement. I keep thinking about the symptoms of the problem and how it affects me in adverse ways. This road leads me to create stories about how this problem came to be and how someone is intentionally dissin’ me or devaluing all that I have to offer. This response can become an all-consuming exertion of emotional energy, which always leads to frustration or another response I typically lean on, avoidance.

I have become a pro at avoiding things. Discouragement is often painful, and because I love my flesh so much, I usually try to protect it from any discomfort at all, including feeling bummed out. I let the discouragement set in and just leave it there and attempt to ignore that it exists by immersing myself in anything that will distract from the truth of what is really going on. Work and media are my two favorite places to hide from the roots of discouragement because they redirect my attention to things that make me feel good or just numb my senses from the pain that always seems to accompany discouragement.

One element of the cultural norms in Minnesota is passive aggression. Responding to discouragement with a sucker punch from the side becomes one of the ways I like to stay true to my Minnesota roots. So, after I have made up some incredible stories about the root of the discouragement, I try to get at those roots by taking cheap shots at them (always other people, never my own crap). And in true Scandinavian fashion, those shots look more like shadow boxing and not a real fight because they only occur in my head or in the presence of people who are not the intended target of the swing. This cognitive confrontation is soothing to my flesh and keeps it safe from counter punches at the same time; it’s wonderful.

Each of these methods leads to the same place: greater discouragement and greater sin. Each method is me choosing to believe some form of lie from Satan, “the father of lies” (John 8:44) and not the truth that will set me free (John 8:31-32) from discouragement. I am sinning in that I am leaning on my own strength and abilities to try to move away from my ol’ pal Idaknow.

Only recently have I been able to confront the roots of discouragement the way I should, and I hope you can too. Every discouraging thought is rooted in a lie of some type. Every lie is from Satan, and God’s Word is truth. If I am going to battle the root cause of discouragement (lies), I have to expose that lie to the truth in God’s Word.

When discouragement comes, pause and think about the root. What is the root intended to do? You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father's desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies. (John 8:44 ESV)

John 10:10 tells us that Satan’s purpose is to kill us and destroy us. Is the discouragement helping to do that in any way? If it is, then my guess is that it is from Satan and rooted in some sort of lie.

Expose the lie. We can’t just do this with our intellect because “our flesh is no help at all” (John 6:63). Understanding lies is a spiritual exercise (2 Corinthians 10:3-6), and we must depend on the Spirit exposing lies through the truth in God’s Word. When I read the Bible, there is something supernatural that happens because the Spirit and God’s living and active Word work together in me, shining light in darkness and bringing life to me. The more I reading the Word, the more I am able to discern the truth from the lies I hear.

Believe the truth. I can choose to believe the truth. I can read a bunch and know Scripture, but if I don’t believe the truth there, I will continue to be held captive to the slavery of discouragement caused by believing lies. Ask for help of the Holy Sprit to give you faith to believe his truth and not the lies that have you bound in discouragement.

For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete. (2 Corinthians 10:3-6 ESV)

When the feeling is subjective, learn to be objective. Discouragement is an “and” and “therefore” emotion. There are usually other feelings and thoughts associated with it. I use a journal to identify the emotions and work through them like below. It might feel a little silly, but just a couple attempts at this has really helped me!

I’m disappointed, sad, and angry that student made that choice, so I wonder if it’s worth it, and therefore feel discouraged.

I feel lonely, unrecognized, and discouraged in my work. I give it everything I’ve got, but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough.

Use your emotional vocabulary to identify the specific emotions and triggers. Assess each one objectively and reframe the feeling. For example:

I’m disappointed, sad, and angry that student made that choice, but other students have made positive choices. I can prepare my students, pray, and support them, but their choices are not my responsibility. And their choices don’t reflect my influence or the value of my work.

We are a product of what we think, so replacing subjective thoughts with objective and realistic ones is a key way to combat unhealthy thinking when we’re discouraged.

Combat weaknesses with strengths. Often we can feel super discouraged with our failures, perceived failures, and struggles. If you’re getting discouraged because of the tasks around you, ask yourself the question: Am I operating out of my natural strengths? We’ve all been in situations where we had to work in areas that are not our natural gifts, and we don’t feel up to the challenge. Database management, anyone? It’s easy to end up with a to-do list that’s uninspiring, people on your back wanting administrative deadlines met, and then feel unmotivated and discouraged. Thoughts like, This isn’t what I signed up for! start to swirl. Here’s the hard truth: Everyone has stuff they have to do but don’t want to do (usually because it’s a weakness, not a strength); it’s part of being a grown-up. So step up to the plate and use these simple guidelines to stop getting trapped in a downward spiral that leads to discouragement.

Get it done as soon as you can. Procrastination is like a beetroot stain. If you put it off once, you’ll put it off again and again and set yourself up to get beaten up. Also, if others are relying on you, you’ll prevent yourself feeling like you’ve let people down if you get on it ASAP. To achieve it, try using the guideline below.

Follow the 80/20 rule. Try as much as you can to spend 80% of your activity time (work, exercise, hobbies, family) doing what you’re good at, and give 20% of your time to the stuff you have to do. Try doing your 20% first so you finish your day in a positive frame of mind. That way your students, your bosses, your family, and your friends get to deal with the energized person working in his or her strengths.

Be honest with expectations on yourself and the expectations others have. If you really struggle with administration, deadlines, details, or creativity, it’s important to be honest with yourself and those around you. It doesn’t have to be negative. We’ll always be more productive in our natural strengths, and we need to debunk the myth of superhero, can-do-it-all youth workers!

I feel far more confident mentoring and training my youth volunteers than being the leader up front at every youth meeting, so I’d like to work with some of our young people to develop their skills in that area, and I’ll be more focused and effective if I’m not stressed about leading a meeting every week.

I find it takes me twice as long to update the database and email out the programme updates each week, so I’d like to ask one of our volunteers who’s really good with detail to do the updates and give me a summary each week.

I love being a youth leader, but I’m just not confident about leading a teaching night. I’d much rather make sure that everyone has a ride, that there’s enough supper, and make note of anyone who didn’t turn up this week. I prefer talking to students one on one or in small groups than preparing a 15-minute talk to present.

Accept that being fully human, fully alive, is to experience it all. Hopefully these strategies read like how to work through or address discouragement, not how to avoid it altogether. There is a subtle difference! It’s important for our own personal development but also for our students, volunteers, and bosses to see us dealing with discouragement in a healthy way. The key is to not let it get such a hold on you that it starts to chart the course of your life and ministry. Sometimes discouragement is a perfectly valid emotion to experience. But it’s a momentary response that needs to propel you into one or all of the following: self-discovery and development (what you can learn); change to environment (removing obstacles or unproductive habits); professional development (identifying skills to learn or acquire).