What's the wisdom of involving your own children in youth ministry events when they're younger?

on the other side of that is a great mentor of mine in youth ministry who, every spring break, essentially invited the youth ministry to travel with his family on their spring break vacation. Obviously there are great ways to engage your youth ministry and your family, and there are some bad ways too.

My opinion is that it’s healthy when it’s done right. This last year we hosted dinners at our house every other week for our senior class. It was my way of engaging them as they went through a difficult season of college applications and anxiety. My family was always there. My daughter used to ask me on Sundays if it was an “other” Sunday. For her, it was always a highlight of the week to have the big kids come over.

I think Paul models this kind of ministry in 2 Thessalonians when he talks about “sharing his life” with the community. The only way I know how to do ministry is the same way. The families many of our students are growing up in aren’t healthy. They are busy, disengaged, and frantic. Often Dad (or Mom) works long hours and is unavailable to them. What I’m trying to do with students in my youth ministry is show them my real life and expose them to how I actually am and not just the way I want them to think I am. So I show them how I interact with my wife and how I parent my kids. I think it’s one of my greatest offerings to them as they see what it means to be a Christian and a husband and father.

To my younger friends in youth ministries, I simply ask the question: What are you modeling to students? Many of you are close in age and are more like peers to the students. Your life shows them one side of being a Christian in the world but not a full picture. You will likely eventually have kids and have to make these types of decisions. One way you can be strategic now is by inviting parents of students to come on trips and have them model what you can’t.

Last summer was busy. It started out with a five-day, guys-only houseboat trip. Then in July we did an eight-day high school trip to Seattle and followed that with a thirteen-day trip to Israel. I took my boys (ages eleven and eight) on the houseboat trip. They had a great time hanging out with the older boys. My oldest learned how to play poker (maybe I’m not a good parent), and he told me he loved listening to the talks each evening. I was busy running the trip and also being a dad. It wasn’t ideal in that there were times I couldn’t engage with the youth group kids, but I still think it was great. But I had a bunch of leaders on the trip, so I wasn’t the focal point.

The reality, though, is that I was gone three out of four weeks in July. This is typically the busiest month in my youth ministry world. But, as a dad who loves his family, and as someone who has seen the negative side of youth ministry when parents are always gone from their own kids, I say involve your kids in everything you can. I’m pretty sure Doug Fields wrote somewhere at some point that there has to be some sort of benefit for your kids when their parent is a youth worker. I embrace that statement and the belief behind it.

My kids will always be involved because I think it models health to students. It is healthy for me, and it shows that youth ministry doesn’t operate in a vacuum that is only accessible to twenty-year-olds without kids.

As we attempt to steward the gifts God has given us in our children, showing them what humility and service looks like is important. Having your child watch you be obedient as you move chairs, orchestrate midweek service, patiently listen to others, and encourage young folks is the best teaching tool you could have in your bag of tricks. You gain credibility with them as you encourage them to serve others with their lives, and respect as someone who makes humility cool.

Explaining what youth workers do is often difficult, so involving your children in ministry when they are young is important because it allows them to see it. When they see you in action, it helps them understand better what we really do. If for nothing else, knowing what we do for work can help justify why we are gone and not with them.

It is also important for them to see you working so you can model responsibility for them. Seeing that doing your job is more than planning games or going to breakfast with someone else’s kid; it is part of you following through on commitments and being responsible for leadership in a ministry of the church.

Volunteers who serve alongside most of you are young themselves. They are often looking for models who demonstrate godly parenting. If they are single, they look for examples of what to be looking for in a spouse, and how you engage with your children could be one of the most positive peeks into marriage and parenting they get. We often overlook our discipleship of volunteers, but you are discipling them whether you know it or not, and showing them how to parent is a wonderful tool of Christian discipleship.

Lastly, if your students are like me or many young people I know today, they have poor examples of faithful, consistent Christian parenting at home. You might be the best example of what good parenting looks like. As young people develop their own identities and determine trajectories for their own lives, seeing positive parenting in action can help them set the bar high for who they want to become and whom they want to parent with when that time comes. This is especially critical for you men who serve as youth workers.

We all have great examples of women who can parent their butts off, but unfortunately these shining lights are often lacking when it comes to dads. If you’re a guy, I strongly encourage you to think about your example to your students; not just how you interact with them but how you model a loving and faithful commitment to your own children. In fact, your parenting and marriage might be the most important lessons you share with your youth group while they are under your influence.

Now, having said all of this, I have to caution you to use common sense when involving our own children when they are young. Keep your child safe. Don’t ever assume that teens know how to handle, hold, or interact with young children. I wouldn’t trust most teens to be alone with my children. Don’t use your kids like puppies. Puppies are cute and cuddly and can bring a lot of attention to the owner. Your child is not a student magnet. If your child is going to interfere with or distract you from teaching God’s Word, leave the tyke at home.

Lastly, if you’re feeling guilty about not spending enough time with your kids and are involving them in ministry to kill two birds with one stone, learn to set some boundaries and say no more often. If you need help prioritizing between your children and the children of others in your ministry, your children are more important.

Then, as she grew older, it became more difficult. As soon as my daughter was old enough to observe, repeat words, and mimic certain behaviors, my wife and I had to have a conversation again about whether it was wise to allow our children to be part of our youth ministry events. We mutually decided we would still make sure our children could be part of our youth ministry as much as was feasible. We concluded it was important for the following reasons.

We thought it was important that our children had a healthy view of me, as their father. My father was a pastor, and aside from his Sunday morning sermon, seldom did I see him in action, so to speak. Every time I heard my mom and him discussing a church-related issue or subject, I could only imagine my father as a pastor. All I knew of my father was what he was like in our home. I would have loved to see my father live out his calling as a pastor as well as my father. My wife and I thought it was important for our children to see their dad outside the home to give them a bigger view of life and a holistic view of my life.

We thought it was important that our children had a healthy view of relationships and how people interact with one another. We wanted our kids to see the two of us related not only to teens but to the parents of teens and to other youth workers. Not all the interactions my kids have seen me participate in have been positive. One thing is certain, however. The interactions were real, and our kids have seen me in a more holistic way.

We thought it was important that our children have a healthy view of the church. I desire for my kids to love the church. I long for them to discover what took me more than two decades to learn, and that is that the church is not a building; it is a people. Our youth ministry events were a microcosm of the church in action—that is, the people of God actively engaging God’s mission to restore the world to its intended wholeness. I’m sure that through all the years of participating in the mission of God with teens, parents, and volunteers, they have at the very least a glimpse of the holistic nature of God and God’s people.

We thought it was important that our children have a healthy view of our calling. My wife and I are both called, in a general sense, to be growing disciples. Our intent was that our kids would see us actively live into our calling to serve others and that to be a growing disciple, one must love others as much as one loves God.

We thought that it was important that our children have a healthy view of formation. My wife and I wanted our kids to see a holistic view of spiritual formation and dimensions of formation, such as the disciplines and practices. Both my wife and I grew up in churches where formation was viewed as a program, not a process, and we desired that our children see both of us being formed spiritually through life with others.

Now that I have answered the question, let me make this statement. Whatever you decide to do about your children or any others participating in youth ministry events and activities, know that it is even wiser to find ways to let your kids know that the ministry is never more important than them and that your love for and calling to them as a dad or mom far exceeds your calling as a youth minister.