Early in my ministry, I tended to be a person who avoided conflict. I became skilled at navigating away from confrontation. I just wanted everyone to be happy and love one another. Too often, my unwillingness to confront and be decisive in dealing with an issue head on actually added to the problem. I mistakenly assumed that my empathy for others would create space for them to heal, mature, and become more productive.
I regularly made the mistake of believing that doing just enough about the problem to get relief from the pain of symptoms caused by dysfunctional people would somehow be enough. Unfortunately, this assumption does not lead to a healthy environment. Ultimately, I had to decide what kind of leader I would become. I came to a difficult decision. I could not allow my desire to be liked by those I led and/or served keep me from doing the right thing and making tough decisions.
I had some close friends who are no longer close friends because I had to deal with the negativity they brought to our ministry environment. It was no longer enough to deal only with the symptoms. While I loved these individuals, I could not allow them to continue hurting people, dumbing down our culture, and holding us back from moving forward into a hope-filled future. It became increasingly clear to me that I had actually enabled their dysfunction.
Misguided empathy kept me from being responsible and truthful, not only to the disrupters, but to our whole organization, resulting in a toxic environment. My responsibility was to lead decisively. It is not only important to make decisions but to lead well once a decision has been made. What happens after a decision has been made is—most of the time—much more important than the actual decision. Edwin Friedman deals with this so well in his book A Failure of Nerve. His concept of a “non-anxious leader” is essential for leading well.
While I’ve had to learn that my desire for everyone to “just get along” is naïve, I have come to understand that a proper focus on nurturing cultural environments is important. I became obsessed with thinking holistically and systemically about environments and how cultural dynamics impact the way people work, play, create, live, love, interact, and relate to one another.
Being a leader who nurtures a synergistic and thriving environment requires a leader who is willing to take responsibility for his or her own ability to thrive. We can’t lead people well when we don’t take care of our own spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being. This focus on ourselves as leaders is not about selfishness. It is a self-differentiation that ultimately enables us to pour ourselves out (kenosis) for others.
Friedman has a chart in A Failure of Nerve that is helpful to remind me that I must lead in such a way that shows I’ve learned from my mistakes.
Poorly Differentiated Leadership…
*focuses on pathology.
*is obsessed with technique.
*works with symptomatic people.
*betters the condition.
*seeks symptomatic relief.
*is concerned to give insight.
*is stuck on the treadmill of tying harder
*diagnoses others.
*is quick to quit difficult situations.
*is made anxious by reactivity.
*has a reductionist perspective.
*sees problems as the cause of anxiety.
*adapts toward the weak.
*focuses on dysfunctional victims.
*creates dependent relationships.
Well-Differentiated Leadership…
*focuses on strength.
*is concerned for one’s own growth.
*works with motivated people.
*matures the system.
*seeks enduring change.
*is concerned to define self (take stands).
*is fed up with the treadmill.
*looks at one’s own stuckness.
*is challenged by difficult situations.
*recognizes that reactivity and sabotage are evidence of one’s effectiveness has a universal perspective.
*sees problems as the focus of preexisting anxiety.
*adapts toward strength.
*has a challenging attitude that encourages responsibility.
*creates intimate relationships.
So, what are you thinking about as it relates to this post? What mistakes have you learned from?
Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix. Seabury Books, New York, 2007, pg. 231
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I have made a lot of mistakes, and thankfully I’ve learned from them and am still learning from them.
I used to attempt to do everything myself and believed that only I could do certain things because I would do them “right” and they would look right and feel right, etc. Once upon a time it wasn’t okay to make mistakes.
Growing up as a perfectionist, I did my darnedest to prevent making them, striving always to do the best and be the best and working harder and faster to make everything as perfect as possible.
While I knew instinctively that no one is perfect and that we don’t live in a perfect world, I was wired as the oldest, responsible child to set my sights on that perfect goal. The pursuit of the straight As of high school continued as I started my career and had to learn the hard way that straight As aren’t possible all the time in most real-world, real-life settings; and that perfection shouldn’t even be the goal in most things. But, because I’m stubborn and pig headed, it took a lot of burnout and pain before I realized that it’s really only through the mistakes and failures that we all actually learn and grow.
I had to learn to give myself permission to be imperfect and to fail. I had to say out loud and really believe in my heart that getting a B rather than an A was okay. Life doesn’t have to be perfect because nothing is perfect. I had to learn to believe that if Jesus wanted perfection, he came to the wrong planet and the wrong people. I had to give not only myself but my team and my family permission to be imperfect too.
I had to learn to give myself permission to JUST SAY NO. Every gift has a shadow. I’m known as a person of great enthusiasm, creativity, and compassion. But in my enthusiasm to get people connected and to spread the kingdom, I have often over-planned my life and said yes to too many things. In “doing kingdom work,” I too often brought my family along for the ride, without asking or considering whether they felt called to join in. Just because I felt something was a worthwhile ministry opportunity didn’t mean it was right for a seven-year-old, and neither was prepping for Sunday every Saturday instead of taking a Saturday just to hang out.
I had to learn to take time off and practice real Sabbath—and allow others the gift of time off too. I learned that it’ s okay to take care of myself. I can take time to do the things I enjoy outside of my job. Everything doesn’t have to be about work. Everything doesn’t have to be about serving someone else. It’s totally okay to nurture myself. In fact, I cannot pour my cup out to others if my cup is dry or cracked. Because of my tendency to burn out, I began to practice silence. I came to realize that I don’t have to fill my schedule or the schedules of my kids, my family, and my youth group with too many activities. Less really is more! Along with taking time off, I had to learn the importance of planning ahead and not always doing everything so last minute that it fries the people who want to work with me.
I had to learn to give away ministry, to become a curator, not a dictator. Doing everything myself meant that I prevented others from using their gifts. It prevented me from sharing the ministry. A curator enables others to use their gifts and creates opportunities for these gifts to come together to make a beautiful offering. By curating worship and worship gatherings, everyone gets to play; everyone gets to express their gifts to God, not just the paid professionals. And I get to let go and allow the Holy Spirit to work and see amazing things happen that I never could have planned.
I had to learn that everything is practice! After years of stressing out about opportunities and experiences, I had to learn that nothing is pediatric brain surgery. Nothing in my life is as serious as my anxious, perfectionistic brain wants it to be. Every speaking engagement, article, retreat, Bible Study, worship gathering—all practice. By really living into this belief, I can be free to experiment, and I am free to be myself. I can relax. All of these are opportunities to learn. All are opportunities and gifts from God to grow and experience more of him. And again, I don’t have to be perfect. I have to just be open and give my best. And if it’s all practice, I have the freedom to fail.
I had to learn that I need people. By trying to do everything myself, I learned that I really need “partners in crime.” There is no way I can do everything. I need help, and I need to be okay with asking for it. Failing alone is useless because I have no one to process it with. Everyone needs someone to talk to, someone to process with, someone to cry with, and someone to commiserate with us—preferably someone you can say anything to; and this person might be way outside your worshiping community. That person can help us learn and grow through all the practice and all the failings and all the mistakes we will make along the way.
Finally, I have learned to let go and keep my hands open to receive. It has to be okay with me that the ministry is not mine. I have learned that I must hold things lightly. This kingdom stuff belongs to Jesus, and this gift of ministry is on loan, and it’s only for a limited time.
So I’ve learned to be grateful and to open my hands and receive the gift. I’m learning to relax, to rest, to release myself and other people to fail, and I’ve learned to “fail with style,” expecting Jesus to pick me up and dust me off. And I’ll be wiser for it.
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Eric Iverson
At the age of 41, I feel qualified to speak on learning from failure. There have been plenty of instances, and I expect a few more. If you’re like me, then Mike Yaconelli's words will resonate: “God expects more failure out of us than we do.” Failure isn’t bad; in fact, if we are really dependent on God, we will be taking risks and not achieving what the world says we should. Failure to God looks different than it looks to us.
I fail because I am working toward my own glory more than I am working to bring glory to God. If we are honest with ourselves, this will be most of our realities. When we go about our daily activities, the motivator is usually making others happy, proud, satisfied, or justified in their signing your check every other week. I only attempt things I can do, not things that require God to show up. When we attempt things that can only happen if God is a part of them, and they are accomplished, then God will get the glory, not me. To be more useful, do more things that require God’s presence to happen.
I fail because I make the wrong decisions. I make the wrong decisions because I don’t listen to the right counsel. Those of us working in ministry wrongly equate serving God with understanding God and his Word. Hearing truth from others or teaching truth from Scripture does not mean we are filled with truth or are hearing truth from the Holy Spirit as we move forward in making decisions.
We are bombarded with lies all day, every day. Some are blocked, but I think most get through. Some are taken captive (2 Corinthians 10:5), but most grow roots. The way combat these lies is through the truth of the Word of God. The way we hear the Word of God is through spending time reading it (both silently and especially aloud—Ephesians 12:17) and letting it transform us (Romans 12:2). I have learned that I can’t trust myself and what I am hearing when I have not been constantly in the Word. The more I gain nourishment in the Word, the more likely the counsel I hear is purely the Holy Sprit’s, not from my flesh.
Lastly, I have learned not to quit after a failure has occurred. The great thing about failure is that we have the opportunity to learn from it. The longer I stick with it, the better chance I have to use that learning in a future situation. We feel so crappy about failure because we have so many of them in so many different areas. Stick and stay, fail and learn, grow and surrender control, and do what you do in a manner where God gets the glory for the outcome.
“Go, fail with gusto.” –Mike Yaconelli
Eric Iverson is a native of Minneapolis, Minnesota, where he lives with his wife Judy and their two children. A twenty-five year youth ministry veteran, Eric currently serves as the Director of Multicultural Integrity for YouthWorks, Inc., and has been part of two short-term missions summits at FYI. Eric consults, teaches, and trains nationally around issues of poverty, race, justice, and multi-ethnic ministry. |
Comments
At this point in my journey, I feel I am exactly where you were. I want people to like me and I truly HATE conflict. I rarely face difficult situations head on and deal with the problems. I am also at a place in my young life/ministry where I have thousands of questions and I'm not sure where I "stand" on many things: evangelism, philosophy of ministry, among other things.
I have a question a little off the subject-kind of. The postmodern culture is quite young and the church is right in the midst of it as we seek to be the people of God. Many questions and concerns are being asked and talked about. Do you see any similarities or relation between a young pastor or person in general like myself and like you were, who is afraid to "take a stand" or lead in difficult situations and want people to like him/her WITH the postmodern church who, in trying to engage culture and want people to like her, does the same thing. I guess what I'm asking is, "Do you think the postmodern church is immature in her early stages?" If this is the case, is it possible to look down the road and learn from our mistakes now rather than in 50, 100, or 200 years?
I guess I'm just thinking out loud at this point.
I know there are resources out there that speak about the Ancient-Future faith, but what are your thoughts.
As a leader in the church and youth ministry as it shifts from modernity to postmodernity, have you had any conversations about any mistakes or short-comings that are happening?
Thanks again for sharing.
Certainly there are weaknesses and problems, not only with a church trying to deal with the cultural realities of postmodernity but with all churches everywhere and in every time and context. The church is imperfect because it is filled with imperfect and broken people on the path of redemption and restoration. Specifically, I think that some early adapters to cultural contextualization can overreact but is this mistake or immaturity more problematic than a late adapter to cultural contextualization of the Gospel witness and life? For example, I think there are some in the church who believe and declare that they are faithful to God and the Bible and refuse to compromise truth as it relates to changes happening all around them, even willing to demonize and break fellowship with those who profess "Jesus Christ is Lord." However, some of these "mature" and "non-compromising" Christians and church leaders are actually defending cultural tool kits that may have more to do with socio-economic or political philosophies than Scripture or Theology. One of the biggest mistakes I made as a young Christian leader was to assume that the positions I took on the Bible were always right. Yes, there are several things that I would be willing to die for (Apostles Creed) but most things I hold very lightly. I don't know if this helps, it is just how my response to your questions unfolded.
Peace,
Mike