Every one of us has people in our lives whom, for whatever reason, we find it hard to like. The idiosyncrasies of others can drive us batty if we let them. We know too well the specific things that some people do to get under our skin and take us to a place of complete irritation, frustration, and sometimes even fury. For that reason, we tend to separate ourselves from the people who raise those emotions in us. There are some people who just drive us mad! Conversely, each of us drives others mad! It is just the way humanity works.
We’ve all heard the well-known saying, “Fate chooses our relatives; we choose our friends.” We typically choose our friends for a variety of reasons. Some of us choose our friends because we have like-minded interests or because we like the way someone makes us feel or we like to be in charge or we don’t like to be in charge or because we want to be like the others we are befriending. Whatever the reason, I am confident you don’t look for the people who are hardest to like to befriend. Why intentionally inflict such lunacy upon ourselves? We’d rather just steer clear of the insanity and be in control of our relationships, just like we like to control everything else in our lives.
Honestly, I think the reason we don’t befriend the people we don’t like has more to do with ourselves than the other person. We are often unwilling to negotiate our emotions and instead just abandon the people we find it hard to like. It is easier to dump the agitations and be about what we want. It is easier to be in control of our relationships. This control issue comes from largely from the fear that we will be thought of in one way or another as onlookers make judgments of us according to whom we befriend and whom we don’t.
Befriending those we find it hard to like does bring us closer to God. First, it releases our desire for control, allowing us to receive the powerlessness that God demands. Releasing control is saying, “You are God and I am not.”
Second, it takes our eyes off ourselves and places them on others. We befriend those we find it difficult to like because we want to be people of kindness and grace who extend God’s love and restoration—kingdom people.
Third, we befriend those we find it difficult to like because in doing so, we reveal the story of Jesus. Revealing the story of Jesus is to reveal the gospel. To reveal the gospel is to reveal the mission of God. To participate in the mission of God is to join in the activity of restoring the world to its intended wholeness.
Fourth, we are brought closer to God though a process of self-transcendence. When we are able to recognize our own faults, weaknesses, and annoying characteristics, we put ourselves in a place where we can learn from others, realizing that our lives are not without need for ongoing development. In other words, we begin to see in others (even the ones we find it hard to like) the very things that we need to make our lives more whole or complete.
Finally, when we befriend people we find it difficult to like, we tell God the truth about who we are—people in need of love, care, and friendship. When we tell God the truth, we awaken forgiveness. When we awaken forgiveness, we open our lives to a greater level of mercy and, in some cases, even pardon. Because God pardoned us, we too, therefore, ought to pardon others. In this way we are brought closer to God.
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When I first read this question, I was puzzled. What does it mean to befriend someone who is “difficult to like?” What does it mean for someone to be “difficult to like?” Perhaps I am “difficult to like?” The nature of this question could make a person consider a variety of relationships. Could it be a co-worker you don’t get along with? Could be it a person you are forced to work with? Could it be a friend of a friend whom you need to develop a relationship with? Could it be a difficult parishioner? Could it be a student in your youth group? Could it be a parent who is antagonistic?
These were just a few of the various people in my life whom I considered and whom I believe I am called to nurture relationships with, no matter how difficult it may be. However, I do believe that these relationships are certainly worthwhile, and moreover, they do truly bring me closer to God in many ways.
For instance, I know that when I feel like I am dealing with a difficult person, while I may try to initially resolve the difficulties myself, it is often not easy. Hence, I am glad that in this way, it turns me to prayer and dependence on God. In doing so, I believe that I am opening myself up to God’s grace and accountability and letting myself be examined by God amidst the difficult situation. As Psalm 139:23 says, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.” As I pray this prayer, I can sense God’s Spirit reveal to me my sin in the difficult situation, how I may need to humble myself, and in what ways I need to change.
More importantly, however, it is the general movement of God in my heart that draws me closer to him that I find I am most grateful for. Difficult situations, especially in relationships, can be taxing, painful, and hurtful. However, I am thankful that ultimately, God uses these situations to draw me closer to him.
Another way these difficult situations draw me closer to God is that is in those times when I feel like I have been hurt, personally attacked, or treated unjustly, it helps me to remember that Christ—despite his hurt and having an unjust punishment placed on him at Calvary—was able to forgive those who wronged him. We all know the words Christ exclaimed on the cross: "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." In his act of forgiveness, he was also turning to God the Father. In my journey, as I struggle with the times I have to deal with a difficult situation with another person, and especially when I feel that injustice is present, I am thankful that it turns me to God.
Finally, trying to befriend someone who is “difficult to like” draws me closer to God because I again realize the greatness and need of the love of God in my life. Moreover, it is the reason and motivation that I can love and reach out to those who are even difficult to love. First John 4:19 says, “We love because he first loved us.” When I find it difficult to love a “difficult person,” I always remember that “…God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Subsequently, since he does love me so much, I am also called to love even those who are “difficult to love.”
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It would be pretty boring if everyone was exactly how we wanted them to be. Where would the challenge in life be, that challenge that keeps us more in touch with who we are, that forces us to look at ourselves time and time again, and if we’re honest, that makes us pray some more for grace and strength?
So everyone doesn’t really “suit our taste,” just as every flower or food or animal doesn’t. Always there are things and people that are more palatable than others. Think about it: Would you want it to be any different? God in God’s infinite wisdom has created this earth with a great deal of variety. This variety affords us the opportunity to learn about other types of life, ways of living, and ways of viewing the world. However, sometimes it’s easier to stick with the people we like rather than stretching ourselves and making adjustments to deal, live, and work with the others who are not likeable. It stretches us too much. Yet real community comes out of the reaching and accommodating and stretching.
When we encounter someone we do not immediately like, we have a choice. We can erect a fence, or we can find ways to reach out and discover the likeable aspect(s) of that person. We can also reach within to discover what has been stirred inside ourselves to cause us not to find that person agreeable. You may say that we do not always have a choice because sometimes we have to interact with those we do not like. Yet we really do have a choice. Even though we may physically have contact with those we do not appreciate, we can withdraw and build psychological, emotional, and mental fences. There is one more option: we can recognize in that person God’s creation and with God’s help reach in and reach out.
It’s easy to blame the other person for not being likeable, but could there be something in ourselves that needs adjusting, and could this be God’s way of encouraging that adjustment? Could it be that we have a limited understanding of God’s love and God is bringing us to a more perfect understanding? We tend to pray when we’re challenged. Thus, when we encounter someone we do not like, let us reach out to that person and pray that this God-appointed meeting and journey may allow the love of God to be more perfected in us and Christ’s image to be better formed in us as we draw nearer to God. How can we help our students to live this?
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